detroitist

For instance, when the text message story first broke, Team Kilpatrick's inner circle met in Ayanna Kilpatrick's basement to decide what to do. They ate Little Caesars pizza. You'd think the mayor of a major city like Detroit could spring for pizza that's at least half-way decent. Maybe Jets or Cottage Inn or something. Did he think Mike Ilitch needed him to buy a couple Hot-N-Readys? Felon Kwame Kilpatrick: third rate to the last.

And then there are the tears. For a hardened criminal, Kwame Kilpatrick cries like he's Rochelle Riley. Tears while rehearsing his bullshit apology statement last January, tears when he decided (finally) to plead guilty, and on and on. When they finally locked him up, he was probably blubbering like that fat guy in the beginning of Shawshank. FRESH FISH! FRESH FISH! FRESH FISH! It's kind of too bad that Captain Hadley doesn't work at the Wayne County jail.

Oh and batshit Sharon McPhail was acting every bit the ass. When her felonious boss was busted for shoving a cop, Sharon began advising her Team Kilpatrick colleagues to save their own asses by transferring to civil service positions. Do these people ever think of anything other than their own place at the trough? Maybe our long-standing assessment of Detroit as a kleptocracy is wrong. This isn't government by theft. This is government by narcissism.

The capstone has to be Kilpatrick attorney Todd Flood meeting with Attorney General Mike Cox...in a park. That's not shady at all. What possible reason would Flood and Cox meet about a case in a park? Was it just that nice of a day? Or maybe Cox needed a quiet place to explain that he can't keep carrying Team Kilpatrick's water if he wants to the next governor. Nothing personal, Tessio, just business. (Freep)

Isn't it funny how you can write something so superficial about a person you obviously don't know and be the only person to post something so hostile online.

Actually detroitist isn’t the only place these allegations were posted online. We got the story from freep.com. There was a link at the bottom of the story. Also the feds, while not known for posting online, seem to think there's something to this. After all, they raided Dominic Pangborn's offices and the investigation is on-going.

I suggest you do some research into who this person is before you start writing about him. He is someone who took a long time to get to where he is and it meant a lot of sacrifices. He was an orphan brought here from South Korea who was shunned because he was half Korean and half American in Korean society who was adopted by a beautiful Catholic family in Michigan when he was brought over by a Catholic missionary.

And after that “beautiful Catholic family” adopted Dominic Pangborn and brought him to Michigan, he engaged in (allegedly) dirty deals with Team Kilpatrick’s Derrick Miller. The biography is unnecessary for a report on these specific allegations of corruption and graft.

As a young artist, he managed to create a successful business in one of the worst sections of Detroit with the hopes that his success would help others bring their passion and work to the same area the city. It was to bring a hope to Detroit as so many people of Detroit deserve.

And after “he managed to created a successful business in one of the worst sections of Detroit” and blah blah blah about the hopes and dreams of blah blah blah...he engaged in (allegedly) dirty deals with Team Kilpatrick’s Derrick Miller. Once again, the biography is unnecessary for a report on these specific allegations of corruption and graft.

For a long time, everything he has done has turned into gold for himself and others and it is expected that there will be failures at times for everything and it doesn't necessarily mean corruption.

Except the Detroit Free Press story we cited alleges corruption. If there’s one thing we can trust the Detroit Free Press with is stories about Team Kilpatrick, its cronies, and corruption. And really, are we supposed to believe Pangborn Technovations cut the only honest deal ever with Team Kilpatrick? That's laughable. Also the Feds raided his office.

He just recently went to Korea to promote Korean adoption in the US because SouthKorea was considering the possibility of closing it down all of a sudden. He has represented adopted Koreans throughout the state of Michigan. His designs have been worn and used by President Clinton and other well-respected international and national figures.

His ties are ugly regardless of who happens to wear them. The end.

MOST importantly, he is a FATHER, a SON, and a HUSBAND. This means that he is loved by many and your words will inflict pain upon his loved ones.

And he’s also a public figure alleged to be involved in corrupt dealings with a duly adjudicated corrupt mayoral administration. Rod Blagojevich is a FATHER, a SON, and a HUSBAND. So is Charles Manson, for what it’s worth. Pangborn’s alleged actions inflicted pain on the people of Detroit. His family can suck it. There's this little thing in this country called the First Amendment. Go read New York Times v. Sullivan or Falwell v. Flynt if you'd like to know more.

Let's see you build a life from nothing in this country and not only do good for your family but for so many others. You don't know him and don't even pretend to know him with your smart ass insults.

Ken Lay also started from nothing and did well for his family. Pangborn’s life story is, at best, an interesting non sequitur.

Hopefully you know how to express better in a more positive and beneficial fashion when blogging, etc. especially compared to how you wrote here with such hostility using minor adjectives and very weak analogies and comparisons.

Oh come on now, we compared Derrick Miller to Smooth B from The Onion. That’s funny stuff.

Leave the writing and expression of thought to actual authors and researchers. Otherwise, people like you really misinform the public and destroy innocent people's reputations on a grand scale.

Notice that M. Elizabeth Hoffman never offers evidence or even an argument about the specific allegations. Her entire comment could be reduced to “I think Dominic Pangborn is a nice man so he's obviously innocent.” It’s all non-denial denials. Like Spiro Agnew in Tampa. “That kind of unattributed reporting…uh…at a time like this is counter-productive.” (detroitist)

We think we referenced Bob Dylan's classic It's All Over Now, Baby Blue towards the end of Team Kilpatrick but recycling cheap puns is what we've been reduced to by the Lions. There just isn't anything new or original to say about this flaming turd of a football team. That's why local sports columnists have resorted to re-writing the same Lions column several times this season. Rob Parker repeatedly demanded Rod Marinelli's firing. Jerry Green frequently told us that William Clay Ford is a really nice guy despite being a professional failure and a one-time drunk. Michael Rosenberg nattered on about the "Road to XVI."

William Clay Ford must be a nice guy because, while Parker got his wish after Marinelli led the Lions down Rosenberg's Road to XVI, Martin Mayhew was elevated General Manager without consideration of any other candidates. A franchise run this well needs to keep it in-house. Plus Bill Ford is a nice guy. Well nice to everyone except, you know, his customers.

It's kind of hard to believe this team is barely a decade removed from arguably the greatest player in NFL history. William Clay Ford wasn't very nice to Barry Sanders. Otherwise he might have hired a head coach during that era who wasn't a complete and total embarrassment. Oh and Jerry Vanisi, the guy who drafted Sanders, wasn't well treated by old man Ford either. Three great drafts and the man who built the 1985 Bears was unceremoniously dumped for Chuck Schmidt. Not very nice. Firing George Wilson back in 1964 really wasn't that nice either.

William Clay Ford (Jerry Green's Mr. Nice Guy) fired a coach who won a championship and a general manager who built a Super Bowl winner and then wasted the talents of the greatest player in Lions history. Meanwhile Ford stayed loyal to human colostomy bags like Russ Thomas, Darryl Rogers, Wayne Fontes, Bobby Ross, and Matt Millen. Nice. There's a reason his brother didn't let this hapless drunk run the family business. Hank the Deuce was a smart man. William Clay Ford, SR: the sky, too, is folding under you. Just die. Just hurry up and die. (Freep)

The already flat broke Detroit Public Schools have to return tax revenue illegally collected between 2002-2004. Don't worry though, once the state replaces the inept school board (including at least one unfit parent) everything will be ok. Wait...uh...ummm...these improper taxes were collected the last time the state took over DPS. Oh hamburgers!

Of course if the elected school board was even half-way competent, they might have uncovered this fuck up three years ago and taken steps to fix it. Instead they, well, we aren't exactly sure what they've been doing. Except for Reverend David Murray. We know what he's been doing. According to Children's Services, Murray has been criminally negligent of his parental duties. A real man of God, that one.

So how does a bankrupt school district in a bankrupt city come up with $80,000,000 to refund taxpayers during a once-in-a-generation recession? Unless they convert the home ec and shop classes into sweatshops, there just aren't that many ways for public schools to make money. What is an elementary school worth on the open market these days? Maybe taxpayers will accept their refund in the form of used textbooks or Cass Tech's 96 yard football field. And maybe next time the school district will do something crazy like only collect taxes they are authorized to collect. (Freep)

Dickbag columnist Rob Parker asked inept football coach Rod Marinelli why his daughter married such a shitty defensive coordinator. Ha ha ha, the Lions' shitty defensive coordinator is Rod Marinelli's son-in-law! Marinelli, quite naturally, was outraged that a large black man would question the virtue of his delicate flower of a daughter. The day after the question was asked Marinelli basically called Rob Parker a meany.

It was all pretty standard reporter versus coach dick measuring stuff except Marinelli also said Parker's question was really bad because it was asked in a "room of stink." Wha? Did Pat Caputo pass gas during the news conference? And if so, why is Pat Caputo's gaseous release in anyway relevant to the topic at hand? In any case, it's probably not the first time Caputo had a few too many Dr. Nuts and soiled the air.

Rod Marinelli's media comments have always had a certain homoerotic flair. Like the way he always refers to football players as "his men" or how sometimes his description of a player's talent drifts into an oddly dreamy context. He's all the time nattering on about how it isn't one or two things with a player but if you get the right man for the right slot then you just know. Jesus, Rod why don't you just make out with the guy? In that context, calling the media room at Ford Field a "room of stink" has a certain connotation to it, like the kind of squalid little room one might find on Supergay's Gay Bar Blight Tour. What are Brokeback Marinelli and Bill Keenist doing in there after the media leaves? (Freep)

As the industrial dust blow sweeps across Michigan, many of the state's residents are leaving for greener pastures in other states. These economic refugees pack up their beat-up old cars with all their material possessions, tie Granny to the roof, and take off across America. Jokes on them because there are no jobs anywhere else either! Kid Rock will be the new Woody Guthrie. Michael Moore can play Tom Joad. Lack of food won't be a problem in our depression!

The point is that so many of you people have left Michigan that the population has declined. Rhode Island also had a declining population but they only lost 0.1% of their population whereas Michigan lost 0.5%. The other 48 states gained population. That means God forsaken holes like Arkansas, Mississippi, and Alaska are more popular than Michigan.

It's kind of awesome that, while we've lost people, the unemployment rate keeps climbing. What is it called in economics when the demand for and the supply of a given product or service (in this case labor) declines at the same time? In laymen's terms we think the phenomena is called "fucked" but there must be a more technical term. Maybe the Keynesians have one term and the Austrian School cats have another? If anyone knows, please drop us a line. (Freep)

William Clay Ford did not have a fatal heart attack on Sunday. That is unfortunate because if his ticker stopped or if he was stricken with some horrible wasting disease, maybe then Detroit's football fans wouldn't be continually embarrassed by the Lions.

No, instead acting like a gentleman and dying, Ford told reporters that he's quite happy with the front office tandem of Tom Lewland and Martin Mayhew. They've done such a bang-up job during their combined 20 years with the organization that there's really no reason to hire an actual general manager.

If this blog was run by the kind of intellectually lazy writers that populate the Detroit News editorial board, we might make specious comparisons between this situation and Hurricane Katrina. For instance, we could write that:

the Lions lost to the New Orleans Saints on Sunday. New Orleans is the city leveled by Katrina;

desperate Katrina refugees huddled in the Superdome during and after the hurricane whereas desperate Lions fans huddle 8 Sundays a year in Ford Field. Arguably the food was better at the Superdome;

New Orleans was devastated because an insufficient and out-dated levee system could not prevent flooding. The Lions have been devastated because an insufficient and out-classed offensive line cannot prevent a pass rush;

many people escaped Katrina and headed to Texas. Former Lions receiver Roy Williams also escaped to Texas;

Mayhew, you're doing a heck of a job. Also, the Mayhew-Lewand combination will mean the Lions are being run by a "team of rivals" which is...oh wait that's another tired media meme.

See we could write that kind of nonsense and we could do it in a painfully breathless prose but we won't because, unlike the Detroit News editorial board, we have standards. (MLive)

About eight minutes in to his self-involved and delusional farewell address, felon Kwame Kilpatrick said: "We have made profound structural changes to how operate, we have brought our budget under control." If that had been the case, why does the city of Detroit have a $300,000,000 budget deficit? It's hard to believe that Ken Cockrel is responsible for that kind of fiscal mismanagement after 90 days as mayor. Then again, it's hard to believe a convicted perjurer like felon Kwame Kilpatrick would have lied to us.

Well he did. He told lies upon lies upon lies. As progress is being made to clear the city's audit backlog, it seems pretty obvious that, every time felon Kilpatrick opened his mouth about the budget, he was lying. Every lie intended to prevent the city from going through a much needed receivership process. And thanks to his lies, people are going to lose their jobs, city services will be cut, and Detroit will sink further and further into the abyss. Just remember that the next time some odious political hack suggests that felon Kilpatrick or his family have "suffered enough" or merit forgiveness. Those pigfuckers deserve all the punishment, scorn, and abuse heaped upon them. And then some. (Freep)

It's The Big Three Christmas Miracle!
Tonight on the Hallmark Channel...as the auto industry faces collapse before Christmas, one President steps in at the 11th hour to save the day. Featuring Mark Harmon as President Bush, Joe Don Baker as Richard Shelby, and starring Taxi's Judd Hirsch as Bob Nardelli. The Thomas Kinkade Fan Club Newsletter calls The Big Three Christmas Miracle "a heartwarming Christmas fable perfect for the whole family." (Freep)

Global warming is no more
Thanks to snow...in December...in Michigan, we can safely call this myth of global warming debunked. To celebrate, detroitist has ordered a giant Hummer H2 to serve as our official corporate vehicle. Maybe we will get a fleet of them! We've also enrolled in this South American steak of the month club where every month we get steaks from a cow raised on its own piece of virgin rain forest. Once the cow is slaughtered, its space is paved over so no plant can ever grow there again! Also the steaks are delivered to you in a Concorde jet so you know they will be fresh. (Freep)

Lame duck legislative session round-up
There won't be a smoking ban passed because the Detroit legislators don't believe second hand smoke is harmful when inhaled in a casino. Empty can smugglers will feel the long arm of the law if they try to bring their returnables to Michigan.  Ha ha ha! Remember when Kramer and Newman tried that on Seinfeld? Ha ha ha! Lansing also approved bills to fund a Woodward Avenue light rail line and Cobo expansion. Also something about tax breaks for battery technology. That seems kind of important but who has time to care, when there's a never-ending debate about the smoking ban. (MLive)

Grand Prix: well that was fun while it lasted
When Little Caesars moved downtown, Mike Ilitch was a big-time hero. Then the Tigers sucked for a decade and the whole "Foxtown" thing never materialized. Detroit boosters started to hate Mike Ilitch. After Super Bowl XL everyone and their uncle had something in Detroit for Roger Penske to fix, save, or run. Penske should expect the Ilitch treatment very soon. He just canceled the Grand Prix so that must mean he totally hates Detroit. The peasants are already restless about the concrete paddock. (DetNews)

John Dingell is still alive, for now
He's suddenly all mad that auto workers will have to accept pay cuts as part of this Big Three bailout deal. Has Dingell not been paying attention to everything in the last month? As Adam Sandler once said: things that could've been brought to [our] attention YESTERDAY! Fine work, John. Well done. (Freep)

Toward a post-employment economy
The socio-political forces of globalization coupled with the transformative effects of an unprecedented technological revolution have rendered labor irrelevant within the constructs of the third wave information economy. No one suggests this transition will be without hurdles but it is a transition we must accept. Just as Fukuyama posited  the end of history with the fall of the Soviet Union, this period of change heralds the beginning of a bold new history. In other words, you've either lost your job or you will very soon. (DetNews)

Detroit-Metro's Ed McNamara Terminal hates the disabled
The Airport Authority and Northwest Airlines were unable to build an Americans With Disabilities Act compliant airport terminal in 2002. ADA became law in 1990 so it's not like the airport didn't have time to prepare. Normally when a business doesn't comply with ADA, that business is required to take corrective measures. Not so with the airlines because they are America's greatest business treasure. In order to protect these precious enterprises from the whims of the marketplace, the government builds and maintains their facilities. We get to pay for the screw-up. Awesome. (Freep)

Maybe try raising Alaska's fucking gas tax
Lansing wants to raise the gas tax to rebuild our third world roads. Michigan already has high gas taxes largely because our sprawling metropolis necessitates an inefficient transportation system. There's also the Alaska issue. Alaska is that place north of Canada with the real Americans who hate government and shit. Alaska's state gas tax is the lowest in the nation by 14 cents a gallon. They also receive $7.40 in federal road money for every dollar they contribute. Maybe Alaska can pay for their own damn roads so Michigan's federal gas tax contribution can be used to fix Michigan roads. God damn, we're all wonky today. (MLive)

Barack Obama has no use for Jennifer Granholm
Granholm says that she isn't interested in a job with the Obama Administration and wouldn't accept one if one was offered. Translation: Obama's transition team told her that she isn't getting a job offer. We're guessing that Granholm regrets backing Hillary Clinton and that early primary right about now. Instead of getting a fancy Washington job, she's stuck in this miserable, crumbling rat-hole of a state for another two years. It's no picnic for the rest of us, sweetheart. (DetNews)

What kind of car wash were they running?
Someone found what looks to be a human heart at a Paw Paw car wash. Who hasn't gotten drunk and passed out, only to wake up in a bathtub full of ice with a kidney missing? Happens to the best of us. But a heart? A fucking human heart! At the car wash! Did it fall out of a car during the vacuum? Because if it did, let's be honest, it'll take a lot more than a little tree air freshener to get that smell out. (DetNews)

Nothing says awesome quite like Malik Shabazz. Few people can run an organization identified by the Southern Poverty Law Center as a hate group and get quoted in the newspaper as though they are mainstream activists. Malik Shabazz uses his pulpit to fight against injustice where ever he sees it. For instance, against the prosecution of felon Kwame Kilpatrick. According to Shabazz, Kilpatrick had a right to jury trial and that right was denied to him because...wait for it...Kilpatrick waived it to plead guilty. Oh the injustice!

With Kilpatrick behind bars and purchasing Vaseline for God knows what purpose, Shabazz is all about defending another champion of the people, Wayne County Commissioner Jewel Ware, and her efforts to assist former prisoners re-enter society. You may have heard about the program. It's been in the news lately. Ware hires ex-cons through her taxpayer-funded office and then puts them to work at her husband's nightclub.

The program has two participants and, according to a county audit, it's been a smashing success. The auditor's report says Kwasi Akwamu and Terrance Dortch are paid by the county but worked exclusively at Ware's husband's bar. They even received raises! Yet despite these successes, the Man is coming after poor Jewel Ware. Thank God above that we have dedicated and persistent demagogues like Malik Shabazz to stand up for the real victims...felon Kwame Kilpatrick and Jewel Ware. (Michigan Citizen)

You know something is out-dated or antique when you add extra letters to words and replace “the” with “ye” as the definite article. That’s why old-timey candy stores are always called “Ye Olde Candy Shoppe.” They teach this stuff at Harvard Business School. Detroit’s ye olde newpapere concern is shutting down a couple of its steam-powered newspapering machines to save money. Home delivery will be scaled back. The horses that pull the delivery wagons were sold to the glue factory. Pretty soon we will all get our news from this new-fangled internet-whachamagigs like Hillaryis44. Be afraid. Be very afraid. (Freep)

Maybe this is why ye olde newspapere concern is in a bad way, something awful
The advantage of having two newspapers is that you get two voices, two perspectives, and two different news products. That doesn’t work when both newspapers have the same voice, etc. Take today’s editions. On the front page of Freep.com they offer this story: At times fiery, Granholm makes rounds as auto advocate. And DetNews.com's the lead story? Granholm fiercely fights for Detroit automakers. Both papers, on the same day, essentially publish the same nearly-evergreen feature under eerily similar headlines? Awesome, we’ll buy two copies of each. (Freep, DetNews)

Winter Blast “rightsized” to winter burst, next year it will be the winter whimper
Detroit is so poor, we can’t afford snow in the winter. The Winter Blast had to cut its budget by 90% and pretty much shed everything cool about the Winter Blast. There will be no sled dogs or ice slide. Pretty much, the Winter Blast has been reduced to walking down Woodward on a cold February night looking for a place to have dinner. Kind of a shame we can’t afford the one decent local event between Christmas and Opening Day but, whatever, look forward to the same seven stale festivals Labor Day weekend. (Freep)

Oakland County Sheriff gets a puppy for Christmas
His name is Yeager and he’s an awesome German Shepherd and all the deputies love to pet him behind the ears and give his milk bone treats and sometimes he chases his tail! They even made Yeager an official deputy so, you know, you have to respect his authority. When you open your Christmas presents and get a lousy sweater instead of a cool German Shepherd, don’t get drunk before driving to the in-laws for over-cooked turkey. If you do, Yeager will totally give you a DUI. (WDIV)

Chiropractor attempts medically recognized procedure, fails
So West Michigan chiropractor Gregory Alan Freeman finished playing xylophone on a lady patient’s back and was like: hey instead of paying cash maybe I could sex you up instead. Since medical science recognizes sex (well consensual un-coerced sex) as a normal and healthy activity, this is as close as a chiropractor has come to performing a medically recognized procedure in his practice. The lady patient declined the sexing. (Mlive)

You won't have Connie Calloway to kick around anymore
Seven school board members, including unfit parent Reverend David Murray, voted to fire Connie Calloway because...well who cares about the reason. This decision had nothing to do with Connie Calloway. It was all about creating a showdown with the state before the district's chickens came home to roost. By forcing the state Board of Education's hand Murray, Jimmy Womack, Marie Thornton, and the rest of the school board's third-raters get to play martyrs for an uncouth and ignorant rabble. (Freep)

Hoekstra to battle Team Kilpatrick's man...maybe
Good ol' Mike Cox. Who will ever forget his quickie investigation clearing felon Kwame Kilpatrick of wrongdoing? Those were some good times back in 2003 and hopefully, for Peter Hoekstra's sake, everyone will remember Cox's awkward and sweaty announcement that allegations against  Kilpatrick were just "urban legends." Hoekstra says he'll retire from Congress after this term and hinted that he's running for Governor. Compared to a Mike Cox, a George Perles, or a Don Williamson, even our Trotskite friends welcome Hoekstra's gubernatorial bid. (DetNews)

Oh hamburgers! Michigan is cold in December
You people had to get rid of those chloral floral carbons from the aerosol cans didn't you? You had to plant trees and find ways to reduce you carbon footprint. The poor polar bears, you said. Oh lord, if we don't recycle then the polar bears will die! What will we do without the polar bears? Grow oranges in Muskegon, that's what. Instead everyone will freeze their nuts off because a few bleeding heart "do-gooders" think we should respect the planet's fragile balance. Thanks a lot. Hippies. (DetNews)

Metro Detroit still doesn't understand digital television
The terrorists may bomb our cities and the financial meltdown may devalue our homes but there is just no way we will allow a single American to miss even one minute of NCIS or American Idol. Metro Detroit is ground zero for the digital TV conversion panic as our fellow citizens are among the most ignorant. We can't plug in a digital converter box without the assistance of 58,396 PSAs and massive government outreach programs.  Seriously people, if you can purchase and operate a toaster, you can do this. (Freep)

AIG run by secret Muslins who eat babies and hate America
Ok, that's an exaggeration. AIG leaders aren't evil doers, just common idiots. But AIG does offer these special loans that charge interest without necessarily calling it interest so Muslims can borrow money without violating the tenants of their religion. Since AIG is now little more than an overfed welfare case, some guy in Michigan says AIG's Islamic friendly loans means the government in endorsing Islam. And that could anger the First Amendment God. (MLive)

Detroit News editorial writer Amber Arellano must have thought an op-ed column was the best way to land a book deal with Harlequin Press. Her column about the Big Three bailout debate is so breathless that William Strunk and E.B. White are spinning in their respective graves. Let's go to the tape: "The social levies (sic) are breaking in my city, my metropolitan region, my home, my heart." Social levies (actually spelled l-e-v-e-e-s) in your heart? It gets worse from there. There must be a reasonable explanation. Maybe the column took place on a pirate ship...

Then Bob Nardelli pulled Amber close, he tore open her blouse to expose her milky white bosums, and whispered "we need this bridge loan, like I need your comforting embrace." His long hair billowed in the breeze. Amber could only sigh as she melted into his strong arms. Passionately he kissed her full, pouty lips but only momentarily. Nardelli had to continue fighting Richard Shelby and the other Senate pirates on the starboard bow. "I will be back my love," he said as he lept, sword aloft, into battle...

Look there are many good and rational reasons to support the Big Three bailout but everyone seems so intent on ignoring those good and rational reasons to make specious comparisons to Hurricane Katrina, natter on about the unfairness of it all, or throwing personal pity parties. THIS ISN'T HELPING! More important, this is why we can't have nice things. No one spends billions of dollars to save a bunch of overly emotional lunatics with "social levies" in their hearts.

By the way, hat tip to "jmy" at Hot Fudge Detroit for uncovering this gem. His deconstruction of Amber Arellano's column is a thing of beauty. Definitely worth a read. (DetNews, HotFudgeDetroit)

It's fire Connie Calloway day!
The Detroit Board of Education, which includes at least one unfit parent, decided that running the state's largest school district is too hard. Instead, they'd rather set themselves up as faux-political martyrs by firing Connie Calloway and forcing the state to take over the district. Then the school board can say such action disenfranchises Detroit voters. A mob clueless left-wingers will then attempt to thwart any effort to improve the state of education in Detroit. (DetNews)

Jennifer Granholm, Mitt Romney team up for painful television
If there are two politicians who seem more insincere, superficial, and disingenuous than Jennifer Granholm and Mitt Romney, we've never met them. Richard Nixon is dead so he doesn't count. The two appeared jointly on Meet the Press yesterday to discuss the auto bailout. They went blah, blah, blah, blah blah and everyone quickly changed channels.  Face the Nation has never seen ratings that high! (DetNews)

Barack Obama will finally fix the Warren overpass at I-75!
So now that we have this new Great Depression, we are getting a new New Deal complete with infrastructure projects and the like. Fortunately because Michigan has a third-world infrastructure we should get a lot of these federal projects. And that means we might be able to cross I-75 at Warren again! If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. YES WE CAN! (Crains)

Ottawa County bids farewell to 19th century
Oh blue laws! Nothing quite says folksy country charm like arbitrary rules against packaged alcohol sales. These futile gestures against the devil's elixir accomplish little more than annoying consumers. Ottawa County is ending their ban on Sunday alcohol sales. Next week the town council meets to decide if the dancing prohibition should also be relaxed. One thing that won't change, using the metric system in Ottawa will land you in the stocks for an hour. Now if the state could just ease off that noon on Sunday rule. (MLive)

Lions keep it close and then lose
Dear New Orleans, The Detroit Lions have just two games left. Next week they play your beloved Saints here in Detroit before finishing the season in Green Bay. We know the Lions won't lose to the Packers at Lambeau Field in December so it's up to your Saints to ensure the Lions have a perfect season. Don't screw this up. Next Sunday is the single most important game in the history of the New Orleans Saints organization. Do not screw this up. Regards, detroitist (Freep)

TV reporter lady Greta Van Susteren is a Scientologist.  That means she believes the evil alien overlord Xenu transported our ancestors to earth in DC-8 spaceships. Xenu forced our ancestors to watch hours of terrible b-movies (probably starring noted Scientologists Jeff Conway and Lisa Marie Presley) to make humans believe in a history that didn't exist. That's what Greta Van Susteren believes. She's a fucktard.

Her Fox News viewers are equally fucktarded. That's not our opinion. Oh no, that's what said viewers revealed in a poll on Van Susteren's blog. When asked what news story was most important to them, the auto bailout ranks dead last out of seven possible choices. What was more important to Van Susteren's fans? Natalee Holloway (still dead), Sarah Palin (six weeks after the election), and some missing kid in Florida. Here's a screen shot of the results.

See this is why we can't have nice things, fucktarded Americans are too busy fretting about some random murder victim from several years ago because the crazy Scientologist lady on TV can't let it go. These are also the same fucktarded people who ran up $1,000,000,000,000 in unsecured credit debt and purchased homes they couldn't afford with mortgages they didn't understand. What we're supposed to actually pay for this stuff we bought?

Whether or not the Big Three gets a bailout, the impact will dramatically effect the United States economy for years to come. It's probably more important than the next little brat that falls down a well. Why worry about the future of the American economy when some pretty blond girl disappeared on vacation four years ago? We totally deserve the economic ass pounding that's coming our way. (FoxNews)

So this auto bailout thing that was supposed to happen or not or whatever, they haven't decided yet. Jim Bunning is against it. He wiped the drool off of his chin long enough to make that clear. The White House may give the Big Three loans from the bank bailout money. Then again maybe they won't. The thing of it is this, the holidays are coming up and everyone is kind of on autopilot right now. You know how it is. In any case, expect to see a lot of "what you drive drives America" bumper stickers in local Wal-Mart parking lots. Oh sweet irony! (Freep)

Local newspapermen will eventually all work for Dan Gilbert
Despite the impending collapse of newspapers, Detroit's ink-stained scribes still have time to promote the cause of local mortgage huckster Dan Gilbert. To hear the Free Press and News tell it, Gilbert's Quicken Loans never wrote a single suspect mortgage ever. They love to use the meaningless phrase "plain vanilla" to describe Quicken's loan products. After all Quicken sold their mortgages to Freddie and Fannie so you know they were good loans...right? Oh by the way, Quicken's big move downtown, if it happens at all, it'll be kind of small. (DetNews)

Jail makes men do strange things
Once upon a time, felon Kwame Kilpatrick said he didn't want the gays spending time with his kids because man-man sex is gross or something. Last week, we learned that he bought some Vaseline in the jailhouse commissary. Jail is a desperate and cold place. Probably some nights, every prisoner weighs his own personal value system from the outside against the need for a little jailhouse affection. Felon Kwame Kilpatrick is no different. (WXYZ)

Detroit Free Press Klavern hates the zoo
If you are looking for intelligent, reasoned, and introspective political discourse you should probably avoid Freep.com's comments section. The double-digit IQ set hangs out there to rant about the blacks and, well, pretty much just the blacks. Also the zoo. You may remember that voters in Wayne, Oakland, and Macomb counties passed a small tax to fund the Zoo by 2/3 majorities. The Free Press Klavern doesn't like it. Probably because the money is going to animals the came from Africa just like African-Americans. (Freep)

Reinforcing Negative Stereotypes
The common image of a professor is that nerdy kind of guy with thick glasses and poor social skills. Probably not very good with the opposite sex. That must be the case with University of Michigan law professor Yaron Eliav because he was paying a student for sex. Not just with grades either like a normal teacher who uses the classroom as a private brothel. Eliav was paying cash money. And this wasn't normal intercourse sex either. This was weird spanking fetish sex. No wonder he can't get a regular date. (MLive)

Ken Cockrel's perjury also an urban legend
Mike Cox has joined the lynch mob in Adolph Mongo's head. The Attorney General cleared Ken Cockrel of perjury from his campaign finance affidavit thing. Turns out Cockrel isn't a criminal just misinformed. And the sad thing? After Team Kilpatrick's grotesque corruption, a misinformed public servant is like a giant breath of fresh air. We. Are. Doomed. (Freep)

DDA approves Ilitch Holdings bailout
The Downtown Development Authority has stepped up to assist a struggling local concern, thus saving dozens of Detroit jobs. The fake-government entity gave local billionaire Mike Ilitch $2,500,000 of state taxpayer's money to tear down some of his old buildings. I guess he didn't want them anymore. So even if the auto companies are left to wither maybe things will be ok...for a couple months...if you work on a J.C. Beal demolition crew. (Crains)

Oakland County moms are bitches
Well maybe not every mother in Oakland County. Just one who writes the OAKLAND COUNTY MOMS column in the Oakland Press. Toys R Us sales aren't giving her "the deal grabbing sensation" that she's used to. Hey doc, time to up her barbiturate prescription. Also, the Nintendo Wii is hard to find. Really? A popular toy hard to find at Christmas, that's never happened before. This battle axe needs to quit whining and go suck off the pool boy. (Oakland Press)

Next time the safe word will be: remember-the-key-asshole
Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought this would happen to me. My husband and I were having our regular Thursday morning sexy time when he discovered that he lost the handcuffs key. What's a girl to do handcuffed to the bed post in a state of undress? We called the police and the cops arrived to rescue me. It was really hot. Until the police officers started snickering about the whole thing. I was embarrassed and felt ugly and cried. Regards, Dearborn Woman. And that's why Penthouse Forum never prints the real letters. (Freep)

Other than a once great college football team with an oddly menstrual nickname, Alabama doesn't have a lot going for it. It's kind of a horrible backward place once ruled by a crippled lackey of the Ku Klux Klan. The state motto is something like: Meh, at least we aren't Mississippi. We'd like to sum up this post by saying Alabama is a terrible place and no one should ever have to go there, the end but we can't.

Enter Joe Babiasz. He wants to stick it to Alabama Senator Richard Shelby for trying to block the auto bailout so Babiasz (we can't pronounce it either) is organizing a boycott of Alabama. One would think that's a little like giving up cyanide laced Kool-Aid for lent. Really not much of a sacrifice but apparently there are actual people with actual plans to go to Alabama. So of them are actually joining this boycott. Literally tens of people are staying away from Alabama thanks to this Babiasz. Crazy.

One person who won't be joining the boycott is state Rep. Jack Brandenberg (R-not Detroit). He likes to fish in Alabama and, even though he thinks Richard Shelby is a "moron," he's going to continue fishing in Alabama. Yeah, that's right Shelby. Jack Brandenberg called you a moron. What are you going to do about it? Ride your mule cart to Michigan and beat him up? Can Alabamans even read a map? And Shelby will probably have to ask his cousin-wife for permission.

Ha ha ha, Michigan may be broke but at least we aren't a bunch of rustic cousin-loving yokels like Alabama! Not yet, anyway. (Macomb Daily)

State to close minimun security prisons, rural America demands bailout  
Small town America isn't exactly a Normal Rockwell painting anymore. Most of our nation's rural villages have two things going for them: prisons and meth. After state budget cuts, Coldwater and Ionia will just have meth. The closing of two minimum security prisons has prompted noted Bob Jones University graduate Alan Crospy to worry about a steep increase in crime. Gangs of dishonest accountants roaming the streets. Insider traders hassling the elderly for illicit stock tips. It will be horrible. (Freep)

This is why we might have nice things
The House passed the Big Three bailout last night though what happens in the Senate is anyone's guess. You may be asking yourself how can the government afford the $14,000,000,000 emergency loan program considering the trillions Congress and the Bush Administration are giving to the always deserving banks. Citi pinched a few pennies by cutting lollipops for children so Congress was like, hey, let's give that money to the car companies! Or something like that. We didn't pay attention to the details. (Americablog)

Carlton Sheets real estate course on felon Kwame Kilpatrick's Christmas list
Back when times were good, felon Kilpatrick bought a Florida vacation home. He was making good money as mayor. His enemies, the city's honest police officers, had been crushed. He didn't even have to suffer the indignity of flying commercial thanks to his godfather, Tony Soave. Why not spend $430,000 on a second home? What could go wrong? Well everything and now felon Kilpatrick is selling that house for $365,000. Ha ha! (DetNews)

Rochelle Riley just needs to go away right effing now
Riley, who would never dream of sending her own precious children to Detroit Public Schools, is worried that all this talk about DPS' dysfunctional operations is hurting the children's self-esteem. After all, a few DPS kids go on to do great things so why focus on the incompetent school board, the text book shortages, the abysmal graduation rates? Maybe if we just ignore the problem it will go away and the children won't feel sad when they read the newspaper...those who can read the newspaper anyway. (Freep)

This is how bad the economy is
Even strip clubs are losing money. The economic ripple effect is huge. If people stop going to strip clubs several other industries will be affected. Marriage counselors and divorce attorneys, for example. Also medical schools. How are Dakota and Sparkle and Lextasy supposed to pay for medical school without their strip club earnings? Traveling salesmen, professional athletes, corrupt municipal politicians, our strips clubs need you now more than ever. (MLive)

Be careful what you wish for because you'll surely get it
A crazy guy leveled a shotgun at a couple police officers and began shouting: "JUST SHOOT ME!" The police did and the crazy man has bullet wounds. How else did he think that would end? (Freep)

Tigers may trade Doyle Alexander back to the Braves
After 21 years of sport talk radio callers lamenting the Alexander-for-John Smoltz trade (a trade that won the Tigers the division) the Tigers maybe interested in re-acquiring Smoltz. He's a free agent so the Tigers won't need to part ways with anyone else to sign the veteran pitcher. But here is the scary thing, kids born on the day of that trade can now legally drink. Being old sucks. (MLB.com)

There was a time when public schools were about educating children. Also football, that was important as well. In the city of Detroit, the public schools are about one thing and one thing only...protecting the unpaid positions of the 11 barely literate members of the Board of Education. This fine group, which includes at least one unfit and abusive parent, doesn't take shit from anyone or anything. Even reality.

Faced with a seemingly insurmountable deficit, Detroit's School Board was given a simple directive from the state Board of Eduction. They were told not to fire Connie Calloway or her CFO Joan McCray because the state believes they are instrumental to restoring the district's fiscal state. So last night the Board fired McCray and plans to fire Calloway on Monday. DPS spokesman Steve Wasko was also sacked. Does that mean Mattie Majors is coming back? The local media will love that!

You have to respect the Board's hubris. The decision to sacrifice the future of Detroit's school children is the kind of narcissistic and futile stance not seen since the Jacobins launched the Reign of Terror. The Committee for Public Safety was nothing compared to the anarchy that is sure to result from this decision. Never mind the impending legal and political fights, just wait until the next generation of undereducated DPS alumni realizes the difficulty of securing gainful employment. Katy, bar the door. (DetNews)

But for today's exercise, Batshit is Gloria Swanson in Sunset Blvd. Running once more for an office she can't win, Sharon McPhail is ready for her close-up. Unfortunately, Mr. DeMille finished up with all the real talent last week. The WADL debate schedule has sent McPhail to the b-picture set with Coleman Young Jr. Joel Loving, Stanley Christmas, and some other nobody.

This is not right. This will not do. Sharon McPhail will not be put (and we are quoting here) "in the room with them and a 25-year-old." Moreover, Batshit won't "let them put me in a category of people who have never won anything." Sharon McPhail once lost to Dennis Archer. She was once a big political star...nay she is a big political star. It's the campaigns that got small.

We should probably point out that McPhail's electoral record is one (Council '01) and four (Mayor '93, Executive '98, Prosecutor '00, Mayor '05) so she really has little ground to complain about people who've never won. In fact, Loving has won two races despite being a completely useless moron. Maybe he should be the one complaining about being on a stage with a washed-up loser like Sharon McPhail. Yeah, maybe they better keep Batshit away from swimming pools. (DetNews)

"It's the invisible, I guess. No, that's what I'm saying. I believe in the invisible. I do. I think you go out and you have faith in what you do. If you don't have it, you're nothing. You're not a man. You come out like that and you give up, I have no respect for you. I'm not done, OK? If you just say, 'I give up. We're no good. We can't do this. Oh, woe is me,' and look for pity, that's disgraceful to me. I look for every positive I can, every positive I can find on this football team, to get them better. Now, I can dwell on the negative all day, but that's what everybody else does for me. So I prefer to go out and see what I can do to make it better, what I can do to improve, improve myself and my staff." - Rod Marinelli (Freep)

Well that didn't take very long
In 2005, Detroiters removed the state yoke from the public schools. Detroit voted overwhelmingly in favor of a locally elected school board. Less than three years after taking over, that locally elected school board (which includes at least one unfit parent) is bankrupt. The state is taking over the schools again. This outrage will not stand. Grapes will be thrown. That much we can promise. Grapes will be thrown. (Freep)

Please stop sending baking soda to elected officials
Jennifer Granholm can afford to buy her own. It costs what, 75 cents a box? And that's enough to keep the gubernatorial refrigerator smelling fresh for six months. What do these wannabe terrorists think exactly? That big-shot politicians have nothing better to do than open every constituent letter that comes into the office. Even if there really was anthrax in that envelope, do they really think that killing a mail room clerk will rally the masses to their cause. Terrorists are bad but idiots are even worse. (DetNews)

The FBI is after Jewel Ware
She paid her husband to do dubious campaign work and she also put felons on the County Commission payroll so they could work at her husband's hotel. That's some creative corruption. You know, if the kleptocracy put this kind of effort into governance this would be a much nicer town. (DetNews)

Stéphane Dion is like the not dead Canadian Salvador Allende
Dion was set to take the reigns of Canadian government (such as it is) when a right-wing military coup decision by the Queen of England blocked his effort. With Parliament closed, the Liberal Party dumped Dion in order to curry favor with the new Tory overlords. Or they did it to prepare for a possible new round of elections next year. Who knows with these crazy Canadians and their banana republic government. Britain should just restore the Canadian Raj and be done with it. (CBC)

Reinforcing Negative Stereotypes
Some guy in Saginaw won the lotto and blew all his money giving $100 tips to Applebees waitrons and other stupid crap. Seriously? This guy won the lotto and kept eating at Applebees? We've never won $3,000,000 but at least we have enough self respect to not eat at Applebees. Why do lottery winners blow their money in such irritating ways? Move to New York and buy expensive meals at good restaurants or something. Wasting your money on some vinyl clump of a McMansion near the Saginaw Applebees is just insulting to the rest of us. (MLive)

Dominic Raiola is a jackass
Poor Dominic Raiola is really trying hard to win a football game. All the Lions are. If you watched the game film you'd know they are trying. But instead of watching the game film you people are too busy booing the Lions valiant efforts. Dominic Raiola doesn't like that one bit because he's a dick and his football team in 0-13. Suck it Dominic. The end. (Freep)

There were a lot of productive ways for people to support the Big Three bailout. Ordinary citizens were encouraged to write or call their Congressmen and Senators. Peter Karmanos wrote an op/ed filled thoughtful and cogent arguments about public support for manufacturing. Even Robert Ficano bankrolled a national radio campaign. Not to be out done, local megachurch bigot "Bishop" Charles Ellis lifted the Big Three in prayer.

This Hills of Zion gesture might be effective if someone re-wrote scripture to read: For (Thomas) Dodd the father so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in Christ(opher), son of Dodd, shall not perish but have eternal economic growth. Sadly John 3:16 remains in the traditional verbiage. We checked with the Vatican, Bob Jones University, and Rainbow Man. The Latter Day Saints didn't return our call.

Just like any respectable cut-rate William Jennings Bryan, Ellis altered the media to his populist tent revival stunt and the New York Times put the holy festivities on their front page. That's exactly the kind of coverage Detroit needs as Congress is on the precipice of passing the auto bailout. We're sure the American taxpayers are pleased to see that Detroit is a backwater filled with the kind superstitious snake handlers who believe God cares two licks about the our domestic economy. Who wouldn't want to give $15,000,000,000 to a town that resembles a larger Dayton, Tennessee?

And seriously, if Ellis and the Greater Gracers have this kind of sway with God maybe they could ask for something more significant and leave the loan guarantees to more secular powers. If we had the ear of God, the way Ellis claims to, we would ask for an end of the African AIDS pandemic or maybe peace between the nuclear powers of Pakistan and India. But that's just us. (NY Times)

The Lions are a metaphor for everything shitty in Detroit
William Clay Ford is an old guy living on the past glory of his ancestors. He relies on cronyism to run the Lions. Despite terrible results over the last 40 years, the franchise is content to continue business as usual. When, by no fault of their own, the Lions stumble on something good (Barry Sanders, Doug English, Jerry Vanisi, Herman Moore, etc) they find a way to screw it up. Sounds a lot like Detroit. In fairness to our beleaguered city, at least we've had a Super Bowl. (Freep)

detroitist to run for School Board
We believe that children are our future so our humble and talented senior editor Woodwards Friend is running for School Board. He's changed his name to Reverend Woodwards Friend in anticipation of the campaign. Reverend Woodwards Friend has also adopted several children. These children will be neglected and abused until the state determines it's time for them to "move on." If that isn't enough, Reverend Woodwards Friend will huff glue to lower his IQ to Detroit Board of Education levels. This time it's for the children. Let's show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride. Now that horrible song will be in your head all day. (DetNews)

This is not good parenting
Remember when you were a teenager and your parents made you get a part time job? Like most kids, you probably schlepped golf clubs for "handsome" blue blood women or served Blizzards to overfed little brats. You probably used your meager earnings to purchase Marky Mark Nirvana cassettes and dime bags of schwag. Not these two 16-year-old girls in Detroit. They earned extra money as whores at a whore party organized by one of their mothers. Gross. The end. (DetNews)

Grosse Pointe Shores is all grown up
They've become a real city now and are planning to have a real city council. Yeah rich people! The elections will be officially non-partisan (Democrats in the Shores? Ha!) however most voters will either align themselves with the candidates wearing madras plaid trousers or the candidates wearing Kelly green slacks with little blue whales embroidered on them. There will also be "third party" candidates in Bermuda shorts and boat shoes but supporting them is like throwing your vote away. (Freep)

Unrest in Canada: the warning signs were ignored
The closing of Parliament wasn't some random act, man. Stephen Harper had been planning it for years. Everyone was involved. First they placated the "sheeple" by getting them high on legal pot and then gay married. Then they shut down Twitter. They closed the lines of communication. Think about it, man. How were patriotic Canadians expected to rally their countrymen without Twitter? Facebook? Youtube? Land lines? The Liberal-NDP-Bloc coalition was an inside job. A false flag. The truth is out there. Resist! Resist! (CBC)

Having wiped away Canada's ineffective Weimar democracy, Stephen Harper has installed himself at Canada's supreme leader. Well, supreme to everyone but the Queen of England. Fortunately for Il Duce Harper, Elizabeth likes to stay on her of the Atlantic these days.

The people of Canada love their new paternal leader and his glorious regime. Canadians have turned out in spontaneous demonstrations throughout Alberta in favor of the new government. One man is grateful to Generalissimo Harper for preventing Canada from becoming a "banana republic." Harper did this by shutting down Parliament in a decisive move reminiscent of Oliver Cromwell and/or Robert Mugabe.

Meanwhile, the opposition has splinted. The Liberal Party wants to remove their leader Celine Stéphane Dion for...wait for it...forming a coalition that would have restored the Liberals to power. Also because they are embarrassed to be led by a man named Stéphane. Meanwhile the New Democratic Party is engaged in a series of earnest encounter groups to determine their members feelings about the entire situation. Incense will be burned, promises NDP leader Jack Layton. Yeah participatory democracy! The Bloc Quebecois have returned to their native Quebec to eat cheese and plan their surrender.

Thankfully, none of this will prevent Detroiters from enjoying Windsor's dim sum and happy endings. We do, however, recommend enjoying each at a separate establishment. Canada...fuck yeah! (CBC)

What the hell is going on in Canada?
Three months ago Canada seemed like an attractive place. Three months ago investing your money through Merrill Lynch also seemed attractive. Now their money is worth less than the U.S. dollar and the entire NHL Canada is in chaos. Prime Minister Stephen Harper closed Parliament today in order to protect his job maintain order. Harper will rule Canada as the head of a three man junta that includes Don Cherry and Spinner from Degrassi until the crisis is resloved. Feels good to laugh at Canada again. (CBC)

Nick Hood is the human Magic Eight Ball
This afternoon Hood predicted 1000 seniors turned out for his town hall meeting tonight. Let's shake him and see what else we can learn about the future of Detroit. Will the DPS fix their fiscal situation? My sources say no.  What about unemployment, any chance it will go down? No way! Will Kwame Kilpatrick make a political comeback? Yes. (Freep)

Good God, the Detroit Board of Education is dumb
If you want to ensure your children receive a good education, it probably isn't smart to elect the 11 dumbest people in town to run the schools. It was like last week the state told these evolutionary oversights that the one thing they can't do is fire Connie Calloway. So what do these drooling imbeciles want to do? Fire Connie Calloway. Just effing brilliant. (DetNews)

Gubernatorial campaign shaping up as a parade of dreck
Team Kilpatrick Republican Mike Cox is running. So is fat John Cherry. And fat Don Williamson. And fat George Perles. Now so is Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel. You know how he got his current job? His dad was convicted of rape. Michigan...fuck yeah! (Macomb Daily)

Detroit Lions first round draft picks are terrible, terrible human beings
Remember when Reggie Rogers killed those people with his drunk driving? That was horrible. Last week Charles Rogers beat up his girlfriend. Neither of them were worth a good God damn on the field. Russ Thomas' last regret was allowing the Packers to draft Tony Mandarich ahead of them. Barry Sanders wasn't sociopathic enough to be a Lion. Hopefully William Clay Ford will die soon and the Lions can start drafting law abiding citizens who can play football. (Freep)

Dammit people! How did we let things get so bad? Who bought all those horrible fuel inefficent vehicles? The cost of gas has been going up for pretty much a decade, what possible reason would anyone have to purchase these gas guzzlers? If you are the federal government, then the answer is simple. They wanted to save gas. Really. USA! USA! USA!

Here's how this mind fucks works. Back in the 1990's the feds decided the majority of their fleet should be alternative fuel vehicles. Rather than investing in a nationwide alternative fuel infratstructure, the government just bought a whole mess of E85 vehicles. The problem is no one said the government actually had to use alternative fuel in their alternative fuel vehicles. Since E85 isn't exactly available most corner gas stations, no one actually used E85 in the government's E85 vehicles. Fun fact: E85 vehicles running on regular gasoline are actually use more gas than their traditional counterparts. More expensive cars that use more gas and cause more pollution...way to go government!

Of course, there are plenty of good reasons for the governmental embrace of E85. The technology is simple and therefor doesn't require any government investment to research new technology. Sending one man to the moon? Here's a blank check. Saving the planet for all of mankind? Keep the guv-ERR-mint out of my wallet! And there's also the little matter of stroking off corn farmers. Corn farmers love E85 because it requires their crop. Corn farmers are very important if you want to win the Iowa Caucus someday.

See, this is why we can't have nice things. The government won't give the Big Three loans because the Big Three sold gas guzzlers...to the government...because of a government mandate. (The New Republic)

The government pretty much builds all the major airports so the airlines don’t have to worry about the costs of buying real estate or building physical assets. The feds also provide the airlines with security. That's nice. We doubt most stewardesses want to confiscate your terrorist-grade shampoo or perform rectal exams on traveling salesmen.

Unfortunately despite all this help from Uncle Sam, the airlines’ business model sucks donkey balls. Pan Am, Eastern, and TWA went out of business while almost every other airline has gone through bankruptcy reorganization at least once. Let’s not even discuss the satanic entity that is Spirit. Dante did not imagine a circle of Hell horrible enough for the people of Spirit Airlines. For a long time, the entire industry was as touch-and-go as a Valujet flight. Then September 11 happened. For the airlines, 9/11 was like a Christmas miracle in September!

The airline industry wrapped themselves in the flag of that tragedy to con $15,000,000,000 out of Congress in the weeks after the September 11. No one seemed to care that the industry’s dire financial situation had little to do with the terrorist attack or even the four-day grounding of civilian aircraft that followed. Nor did anyone suggest airline industry’s inattention to security was partially responsible for the 2,974 deaths on 9/11. Personal responsibility is for unwed teenage mothers (except those named Palin) and not airlines. Airlines are too big to fail.

Well actually one person did raise some of these concerns. Senator Peter Fitzgerald (R-IL) was the only U.S. Senator brave enough to oppose this corporate welfare boondoggle. His reward? The Republican Party pretty much declared Fitzgerald persona non grata. He didn’t run for re-election in 2004 because Denny Hastert and the Illinois GOP wanted this weird sex pervert guy (and later Alan Keyes) to run instead. Keyes got thumped by…wait for it…Barack Obama. Unintended consequences can be bitch.

This is why we can’t have nice things. The airlines already spent the money the auto companies hope to borrow. And how did the airlines thank the American taxpayer for our largesse? Fresh rounds of lay-offs, bankruptcies, and all kinds of fun new surcharges. If you don’t like it, tough shit. Shut your mouth, cram your ass into the middle seat, and drink your four ounces of warm Diet Coke. Otherwise the terrorists will win. Also the overhead compartments are full and the in-flight movie will be a Disney remake of Ishtar staring Zak Efron. (CNN)

Felon Kwame Kilpatrick is just stupid
Felon Kilpatrick wants to keep his law license. Why? He’s obviously a shitty lawyer. No competent lawyer would agree to a plea condition (i.e. surrendering one's law license) and change his mind after admitting guilt in open court. The prosecutorial awesomeness that is Kym Worthy will have none of it. She’s going to court to argue felon Kilpatrick violated his probation by trying to keep his precious law license. So good. (Freep)

Mayoral candidate go to Clinton Township for debate
Clinton Township's WADL is Detroit’s “ubran” tv station. By urban, WADL doesn’t mean based in a city. They mean they broadcast Good Times re-runs and the sermons of prominent local bigots like Charles Ellis. They also show The Rockford Files which is still awesome. WADL’s suburban "urban" studios was site of last night's debate between Ken Cockrel, Freman Hendrix, and Dave Bing. The debate went something like this: blah blah blah blah blah blah. The end. (DetNews)

Team Kilpatrick’s house Republican investigate Ken Cockrel
Mike “Urban Legend” Cox is investigating Adolph “Lynch Mobs Everywhere” Mongo’s off-the-law allegations that Ken Cockrel committed perjury. That’s what you get for thinking felon Kwame Kilpatrick should be held to the same standard as everyone else. Cockrel should have known that Kilpatrick was anointed by God above to run Detroit. Just like Louis XVI. When you attack Kilpatrick, you are attacking God. (WDIV)

Now this is journalism
The fine and noble ink-stained scribes at the Grand Rapids Press provide us with this handy article about Michigan’s medical marijuana laws. We especially like the jars of little joints idea. Otherwise no one has the first clue as to how this medical marijuana thing is going to work even though other state’s have had legal medical marijuana for more than a decade. We’re just too stupid in Michigan to let our cancer patients get properly stoned. (MLive)

What is this 1987?
Bob Ficano is launching a pro-Big Three radio campaign so Congress will give them their loan guarantees. That’s pretty cool, if a little bit 11th hour. He’s even got a website called…wait for it…American Auto Industry Rocks. It’s true. The American Auto Industry does in fact rock. IT ROCKS HARD! Seriously, who came up with that name domain name, Martha Quinn? Way to stay hip, Bob. How about working a Ghostbusters reference into these radio spots? All the kids really dig Ghostbusters. (Freep)

Carl Marlinga is desperate for work
In 1880, former Ann Arborite Charles Guiteau did some volunteer work for James Garfield’s presidential campaign. Guiteau thought his efforts merited an appointment as Ambassador to England although he’d settle for France. Garfield believed ambassadors shouldn’t be crazy drifters so Guiteau didn’t get the job. Guiteau sought revenge by killing Garfield. He thought his chances would improve if Chester Arthur was president. That’s what actually happened. Carl Marlinga isn’t going to kill President Obama if he isn’t the next U.S. Attorney but begging for the job is unbecoming and seems just a little Guiteau-esque. (DetNews)

Really, can you blame him?
Escaped killer Jonathan Joseph Good hid in a Ferris State frat house while fleeing authorities. Makes sense. If you had just broke out of jail wouldn’t you go somewhere that tends to have beer and women? Good probably figured they’d roll out the kegs of Natural Light at any moment and he’d been nailing Ferris co-eds to the musical styling of Otis Day and the Knights. Not a bad plan actually…until he got caught. (MLive)

Rod Marinelli needs to just his pie hole
Coach Rod assures us that his men will not finish 0-16. How inspiring. Everyone who wasted money on tickets this season…nay…everyone who wasted 10 minutes watching this horrible abortion of a football team truly appreciates Marinelli’s reassuring words. Take note America, the Detroit Lions never give up. They are going to go 1-15 at least. And that’s something to be proud of. (Freep)

The year was 1998 and it was a magical time. Will Smith taught white people how to get jiggy with it, TV's Will and Grace introduced middle America to non-threatening gay people, and our 401K's were getting fat thanks to pets.com and Enron! How could things possibly get better?

The fine folks at Citibank and the Travelers Group had an idea. If only they could merge to form a Wall Street version of Damn Yankees, they would help us re-invest our Enron and pets.com earnings into all kinds of crazy new things...like mortgage backed securities. Pretty soon we'd have enough money to re-animate Judy Garland for a guest spot on Will and Grace. And who wouldn't get jiggy with that?

Unfortunately, the pesky government had rules against such a thing even though it would be totally cool. Citibank and Travelers went to Washington and said: "remove this tyrannical yoke of government regulation. The risks are ours. Leave us to roam the marketplace freely and we can prosper!" The government listened. They changed the laws, Citibank and Travelers Group became Citigroup, and we all lived happily ever after in peace and prosperity. Until the market collapsed.

Corporate America only likes laissez faire capitalism during bull markets so Citigroup returned to Washington last month and said: "impose once more this tyrannical yoke of government regulation. The risks should be yours. Protect us from the marketplace and we can prosper!" And the government, again, listened. Citigroup got a $326,000,000,000 bailout to help cover expenses, including their $400,000,000 naming rights deal for the Mets new ballpark. And once again, Citigroup can live happily ever after in peace and prosperity.

So you see, this is why we can't have nice things. If the Big Three got their bailout then that would only leave $300,000,000,000 for Citigroup. And look, they are real nice people at Citigroup. We can't allow them to be held responsible for their own reckless behavior. Capitalism can be a cruel and demanding master, Citigroup shouldn't have to be negatively impacted by the whims of the market. That's just not fair. (Reuters)