detroitist

Douchey liberal experiment in hand-wringing fails
When he was 11-years-old Nate Abraham killed a 17-year-old. Quite naturally the world was horrified at both the crime and the prospect of an 11-year-old serving a life sentence. Fortunately Abraham was a model citizen in juvee and he was released last year at age 21.Charities offered to pay for his college education. He dropped out. Concerned citizens offered him jobs. He quit them. And, well golly, Abraham keeps getting arrested. His lawyers and handlers said Abraham was going to make a go of it as...wait for it...a hip-hop artist. Did anyone not see this ending badly? (Freep)

What is it with the schools?
How did the public education system become a steaming pit of corruption? No it's not Detroit this time. Try Mount Clemens by way of Lansing. Two school officials in our state's capital misspent allegedly misspent money when they were running Mount Clemens schools. All sides claim there's nothing to see here and everyone should move one. This of course means everyone is guilty as sin. (LSJ)

Metro voters to choose between a 12-pack of Blatz or a good zoo
People love the zoo but to keep officials say they need tax money to keep it open. About $10 of annual property taxes on a $200,000 home. Hey we like the zoo and all but also don't want to lose our beer money. Especially with football season coming up. (DetNews)

Mitch Albom sends Pudge Rodriguez a sloppy valentine
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Mitch Albom is flaming pile of dog turd. While most sports writers were dissecting the pros and cons of the Rodriguez-for-Farnsworth trade, Mitch Albom (who probably only pretends to go to baseball games) appeals to the lowest common denominator with insufferable crap like: "He was our baseball bridge from the horrible to the possible, the guy who lays his coat over a dirty puddle of water and allows you to safely walk across." If only William Strunk and E.B. White could return from death to beat Mitch Albom senseless with copies of the Elements of Style. (Freep)

Tonight’s special guests include Carol Burnett and from Dallas…Patrick Duffy. Plus the musical stylings of the O’Jays.

Bernard to plead the fifth…in a divorce case...not his divorce case
Oh those crazy Kilpatricks! Always running afoul of the law with their wacky schemes. Try as they might the Feds can’t make anything stick because the Kilpatricks are so clever. So when Bernard learned he might have to testify in a divorce proceeding of a waste management executive he naturally announced he would plead the fifth. Anyone care to guess how the father of the Mayor of Detroit could possibly incriminate himself testifying in someone else’s divorce case? (Freep)

The Congressmother may not be the Congressmother much longer
Polls suggest more than half of voters in Carolyn Cheeks-Kilpatrick’s district believe either Mary Waters and/or Martha Scott is more-than-capable of carrying the Congressmother’s bra. She’s still leading but not by much. Consider this…poor Mary Waters just wanted to lose the 2006 Secretary of State’s race but Team Kilpatrick put the kibosh on that plan. Now she may replace Kilpatrick in Washington. Irony is a bitch. Kwame may want to hide the wire hangers and give Christina Crawford a phone call. If his mom loses there will be hell to pay. (DetNews)

Mike Cox promises to fairly press charges against Kwame
The attorney general, who looks like he once played Lennie Small to Mike Duggan’s George Milton in the McNamera Machine’s “Of Mice and Men” revival, says he won’t unfairly charge the Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, Mayor of the city of Detroit, with assaulting a sheriff’s deputy. Translation: charges are coming and the entire law enforcement community can’t wait to nail the fat fuck to the wall. (Freep)

Detroit hasn't seen a battle this epic since Hulk Hogan body-slammed Andre the Giant at the Silverdome 21 years ago. Actually this one was better. Mary Waters got the party started by playing the stripper party card. Kilpatrick more or less called Waters inept. The crowd got rowdy and Pastor Marvin Winans pleaded for calm. That's when Martha Scott came into the ring with a metal chair and knocked Pastor Winans out cold. Scott was hot dogging around the ring, celebrating her surprise chair attack, when Waters got her from behind in a full nelson. Then the empty beer cups started flying. Little did Waters know Kilpatrick and Scott had formed a secret alliance before the debate. Kilpatrick dove from the top rope and landed square on Waters thus freeing Scott. But Martha Scott double crossed Kilpatrick and threw the Congresswoman out of the ring. See Scott was really aligned with "the Nature Boy" Ric Flair who dramatically arrived on the scene to celebrate Scott's surprise debate victory. Next week the Scott-Flair team will take on the Guerrero Brothers in Wichita. WOOOOH! (Freep)

It sure seemed like we were screwed when gas prices shot up over $4 a gallon. It was a gut punch to the auto industry and it made going to the gas station not much fun. Some otherwise right thinking people actually considered riding the bus even though they aren’t poor! Sweet Jesus the last 60 days have been tough. However the sky appears to be clearing. Like Londoners during the blitz, we have survived and we have endured.

AAA brings the good word down from on high. Michigan gas prices have dropped 22 cents to like $3.90 a gallon. And they haven’t even passed that gas tax holiday yet. Once they do that, gas will be like $3.87 a gallon! Kick ass. We’re going to celebrate by destroying our bicycles, burning the tires, and then throwing the wreckage into the Detroit River. Once the celebratory destruction is complete, we will drive around with the air on and the windows open for no real reason.

Looking forward, we cannot afford to rest on our laurels and hope this doesn’t happen again. Just like the Holocaust and 9/11 we must NEVER FORGET the scourge of $4 gas. Let us be vigilant. Let us protect our God-given right to gasoline that is less expensive than it was last week. Also let’s drill. Alaskan frontier? Drill. Gulf of Mexico? Drill. Playground at an orphanage? Drill. The alternative is responsible energy consumption. If we submit to that then the terrorists have already won. (Crains)

Mayor’s attorney: Mayor is overpaying for attorneys
Jim Parkman makes $700 an hour to defend the Mayor in court. When you are charged with as many special crimes as the Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, Mayor of the city of Detroit, you need an expensive attorney like Jim Parkman. Or maybe not. Jim Parkman says a six-year-old could do his job. Team Kilpatrick’s defense strategy looks more and more like a Steven Bochco tv show everyday. (Freep)

Everybody is somebody’s cousin in Macomb County
Resisting the temptation to tag this story as ‘reinforcing negative stereotypes’, pretty much everyone who wants to serve on the Macomb County Charter Commission is related to one local elected official or another. This is, of course, nothing more than an interesting coincidence and in no way suggests that the Charter revision will devolve into a giant orgy of naked political ambition. (Freep)

DPS to students: pray because it’s all we have left
Unable to rise above corruption and ineptitude to provide students with skills and knowledge for this world, the Detroit Public Schools are resigned to offering them hope for the next life. They have a volunteer chaplain program not unlike military combat units. Atheism serves no purpose in a place of hopeless desperation; be it the foxhole or the Detroit Public Schools. (DetNews)

People give away useless crap in Grand Rapids
Have you ever perused the free section on Craigslist? It’s pretty much an inventory of crap. Now imagine the Craigslist free section brought to life in a public market. Add some free vegetarian sloppy joes (what is that just a bun?) and that’s pretty much what you get at Grand Rapid’s “really, really free market.” Oooh look! A non-working 8-track player! (MLive)

They might as well torch the DPS for the insurance money
Of all the hot messes of ineptitude and corruption in Detroit governance, none is hotter or messier than the public schools. DPS has a $400 million deficit. The School Board, which includes at least one unfit parent, can't settle on a budget. Mike Bishop wants to get involved. That'll play well in the 3-1-3. (DetNews)

Michigan gets economic development ideas from campy Simpsons bit
Springfield: a city on the GROW! Man that was a funny spoof of post-WWII Chamber of Commerce-type film strips. And remember that aqua car they were building in Springfield? Yeah that was pretty ridiculous. Except someone is building amphibious cars in Flint. This won't end badly. (MLive)

Kilpatrick Congressional race is a bra-carrying good time
So the gist of it is this...Martha Scott and Mary Waters are running against Ya'll's boy's mom for Congress. Kilpatrick feigns concern. Scott and Waters will split the anti-Kilpatrick vote and that will be that. Yawn. (Freep)

Grand Rapids to pretend to care about mass transit
Oh isn't this sweet? They have plans and drawings and economic impact estimates and everything. Of course if it requires even a nickle of tax money, it's DOA. Michiganders don't want to waste money on public transportation that can be used to fill up the gas tank...at $4.15 a gallon. (MLive)

Lions practice hard to make running game mediocre
The Lions didn't run the ball enough last year. That was the problem. Don't worry though because everything will be ok in 2008. All they plan to do is run the ball. Next fall, Roy Williams will look good in a Cowboys uni. (Freep)

Martha Reeves dancing in the streets of sludge
Detroit's barely literate and flat broke minor celebrity/City Councilwoman was wined and dined by Guy with Mullet James Rosendall. Then she changed her mind on the Synagro deal. Funny how that works. (DetNews)

Smug superdouche lowers property values for Ypsilanti neighborhood
Meet Peter Thompson, superdouche. He technically broke the law by raising chickens in his residential neighborhood but no one complained and the authorities, quite reasonably, didn't bother him about it. So Thompson decided he wanted to raise him some goats. Naturally the neighbors weren't amused and reported him. Now Thompson is...wait for it...outraged The Man would actually force him to follow the law. (MLive)

Baby-killing, gay-loving, foreign car-driving candidate kills babies, loves gays, and drove a foreign car
You know election season is heating up when Macomb County voters are inundated with anonymous attack flyers filled with specious reasoning and poor grammar. State house candidate Sarah Roberts was the target a flyer accusing her of favoring legal abortion and opposing gay people getting kicked in the teeth. No shit. Sarah Roberts is a Democrat. The flyer also claimed Roberts drives a foreign car because she once owned a made-in-Indiana Suburu. Macomb County politics: so good. (Macomb Daily)

Todd Jones shatters our collective hopes and dreams
The Tigers were one strike away from a five to four win against the Chicago White Sox. Then Todd Jones gave up a base hit. Then he gave up a two-run home run. Then the Tigers lost and our weekend was pretty much ruined. Todd Jones sucks. (Freep)

detroitist blogs about blogging on detroitist blog
We've hated "the daily briefing" title for our daily news round-up since we started detroitist. But we were hard-pressed to come up with anything better. Until now. Henceforth the daily briefing with now be entitled state of the state. Please make a note of it. (detroitist)

Rev. Sheffield, who made his name stirring up anti-Arab racial sentiment among poor African-Americans earlier this decade, is out and about and violating the eighth commandment. You know the one about not lying and stuff. Let's review the record:

"I'm not giving the mayor a free pass ... but how many people can keep their cool when they've got 20 guns pointed at their head?"

An emotional meltdown of this magnitude from an elected official in high office deserves something more than a bail bond and a piss test. So we dedicate this song to our Mayor:

(Freep)

We've been waiting for this day with the kind of nervous anticipation normally reserved for children on Christmas or nerds on iPhone release day. At some point, on this Friday July 25 in the year of our Lord 2008, we will learn if Judge Ronald Giles will release the scandalous text messages that we assume will verify Kwame's hot three-way with legitimate businessman Tony Soave and Kentucky Derby champion Barbaro in a pile Synagro sludge. Or something. Too bad it looks like we will have to wait a little longer. Judge Giles says he won't rule until later in the day. He sense of showmanship, just pushing the sense of anticipation as far as possible, rivals that of noted fictional magician GOB Bluth*.

There is other news in the meantime. The Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, mayor of the city of Detroit beat up a process server looking for...wait for it...Bobby Ferguson. Who knows why Ferguson would be served since he is the kindest, warmest, bravest, most wonderful human being we've ever known in our whole lives. His cousin is also Kilpatrick's brother-in-law. Can this hot mess of inept corruption get any sweeter?

UPDATE1: Random question, do you people think the Mayor usually answers the front door at his sister's place? Except of course to allow his buddy Bobby Ferguson to slip out that back while some yokel sheriff's deputy is busy dealing with the flipping Mayor. And the lawyers are still nattering on.

UPDATE2: The defense attorneys won't receive the prosecution's correspondence with SkyTel. We aren't certain of the details of that correspondence but it probably includes fewer smily faces, WTFs, OMGs, and LOLs than Team Kilpatrick's text transcripts. ROTFLMAO!

UPDATE3: No text messages today. Judge Giles hints at a split decision. This is what it feels like when a kid learns that Santa isn't real.

Hat tip to M.L. Elrick for doing the actual reporting over at the Free Press. Elrick's plucky journalism allows our crack team of slackers to sit back and make snarky comments all day long. Second h/t to A Ron Hubbard for correcting the spelling on GOB Bluth and also for helping us get our thetans in order. Also we deserve a swift and hard cock punch for using the acronym ROTFLMAO. (Freep)

Audit: DPS spent money like a drunken sailor
The school system misspent federal funding, to the tune of $53 million. They might have to give it back. Jokes on you Department of Education because DPS doesn't have any money to give back. Hell they can barely afford to pay the per check fee never mind cut one for $53 million. (DetNews)

Team Kilpatrick dismisses City Council, declares Mayor Lord Protector of Detroit For Life
Well ok that's not totally true. Kilpatrick, Anthony Adams, and Bobby Ferguson won't compose a three-man revolutionary junta or anything like that. But they are blithely ignoring a Council decision on funding non-profits. No other part of the rule of law matters to Team Kilpatrick. Why should separation of powers suddenly become a concern? (Freep)

Brave Synagro execs must wait two weeks before they know if sludge plant is safe
City Council, shocked by its own naked and low-rent corruption, is considering revoking their approval of the Synagro sludge plant. This has got to be nerve-racking for the Synagro folks. When Synagro buys politicians they expect them to stay bought. Maybe they should consider this an opportunity to secure another win by spreading more cash around. Sometimes even a bulk order of sausage is enough. Oh yeah the City Law Department says the corruption charges should be "prove-able" before Council reconsiders their own corrupt sludge bargain. Is "prove-able" a proper legal term? Is it even grammatically correct? (Freep)

Don Imus to get in trouble mocking lady basketball players again
Those plucky women of the WNBA showed you don't have to be a man, like Ron Artest, to have a batshit crazy basketball fight. The ladies of the LA Spark and Detroit Shock mixed it up at the Palace last night. Now really, is anyone expecting Don Imus to not make an ass of himself over this? You can't give a doddering old man like Imus this kind of low-hanging fruit. It's not fair to anyone. (Freep)

Michigan voters: DRILL! DRILL! DRILL!
Baby polar bears be damned. Two out of three Michigan voters agree, we need more cheap gas to drive our SUVs up and down the M-59 corridor. If you were still harboring dreams of regional mass transit, well, the Easter Bunny isn't real either. (DetNews)

Reinforcing negative stereotypes
A 17-year-old girl is charged with supplying her now dead friend with the heroin that killed her. The mug shot tells it all.
Her parents totally don't understand and are totally unfair. Everyone at school is a jerk. Avril Lavigne's songs really speak to her. And if some guy expects a handjob at the end of the night, he better be prepared to listen to a lot of bad poetry written with a pink (alternatively purple) ball point pen. Really the heroin overdose is preferable to that fate. (MLive)

Remember way back in January when it was freezing cold and the city's budget was in the toilet? The Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, Mayor of the city of Detroit, was in Florida enjoying some sun. He came back to publicly apologize to his wife on TV for something he said was a private matter. And remember how he explained he had to go Florida to put the Team Kilpatrick Tallahassee house up for sale? Well it's July now. The weather is nice but the city's budget is still in the toilet. Oh and the Kilpatrick's Tallahassee house? It hasn't sold and, just like the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel, it doesn't look like Team Kilpatrick is going to sell it anytime soon. How do we know this? His wife and kids live there now!

The newspapers reported this fun fact after Kilpatrick muttered some nonsense about being happy to hug his wife and spend time with his kids insted of Christine Beatty or some other kind of nonsense. He also claims the case against him is going to hell. Kilpatrick should know since God made him Mayor and they're total BFFs. They talk all the time. Then he basically asked for a plea bargain which is an odd request considering the prosecution's got nothing and all. Oh and Kym Worthy is committing prosecutorial misconduct and the case against him is a perversion of the law. Perverted how? Like Christine Beatty sucking you off at work perverted or something other kind of perverted?

Look for Team Kilpatrick to say their man was framed by the same government operatives who secretly planned 9/11 in Alex Jones' imagination. Is this a great time to be from the city that God intended or what? (Freep)

We live in the age of Google. Almost every piece of information necessary to do a half-way decent background check is available in like 0.35 seconds. It takes no more than 5 minutes to determine if a person is a registered sex offender or a murderer or a weirdo who spends an age-inappropriate amount of time on Myspace. It’s too bad The Google (never mind the state of Michigan criminal database) is too complicated for the indolent luddites responsible for licensing child care providers. They are letting any kind of sick, twisted fuck look after your children. Performing background checks on day care workers may be, literally, the easiest and least controversial task the state government has to do and yet…and yet they can’t even do that right. One might as well drop their kids off with the local carnie. Michael Jackson and Paul Shanley could be looking after your child right now for all Human Services knows or cares. Yeah about fixing those roads and making college education affordable…not in our lifetime. (Freep)

Detroit Public Schools take payday loan from state
It can't be good when the schools need to take an advance on state funding. In the summer. When school isn't in session. If DPS thinks the money troubles are tough now wait until that 400% APR kicks in. The payday loan always seems like a good idea when they give you the money but never when you have to pay it back. Hey kids, we're going to begin this school year with a fun new class project! Picking up cans for...umm...recycling. (Freep)

A big day for sludgeSCAM
Synagro's chief head sludgemaster came hat in hand to City Council asking them not to reconsider his sweet, sweet sludge plans until all the facts are in. Facts about their (Council and Synagro) own corrupt practices. He also accidentally left a $327 in small bills and some Red Lobster gift cards in Council chambers. But he's in no hurry to get any of it back. Oh and the Granholm Administration, the same administration that once included Guy with Mullet James Rosendall, are pretty much OK a $123 million dollar bond for Synagro's sludge emporium. (Freep, DetNews)

It's just a short elevator ride from the 13th floor to the 11th
And then there's our Mayor. Kym Worthy is adding more charges to Kilpatrick's indictment. Being that the Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, Mayor of the city of Detroit, is busy fighting all of those criminal charges and running a world-class city. He doesn't have time to participate in a lawsuit. A lawsuit to block his removal from office. A lawsuit filed by his attorneys. Such a charge would unfairly besmirch his reputation as a public servant, indicted perjurer, and a gentleman. (DetNews)

Michigan roadways envious of Iraqi roadways
Aside from religious fundamentalism, you wouldn't think Howell and Fallujah have much in common. Oh but they do! Just like Iraq, Michigan's roadways are pockmarked and rumbling. According to the ivory tower elitists, Michigan must double our transportation maintenance budget just have adequate roads. Fat chance. Just like Iraq, Michigan is a third-rate banana republic. The only real difference is we spend more tax dollars in Iraq than we do in Michigan. (LSJ)

Restaurant closing reveals Detroit's woefully small Jewish population
The year-old, $4.5 million Asian Village, which was more of an Applebees with wontons than an actual village, closed for good this week. Now noted local douchebag Dominic Pangborn can devote more time to his first love; designing God-awful ties so ugly that even the blind find them ostentatious. (Freep)

Northwest plane engine fails, just like entire industry
As if airline travel couldn't get any worse, a flight to Detroit was completed via bus trip from Dayton. The plane's engine failed much like Northwest's business model. And the business model of every other airline. Actually we may look back on this bus ride with bittersweet nostalgia because if the airlines keep on keeping on like they do, they'll be selling us non-stop trips on pack mules before too long. (DetNews)

Local Congressional candidates re-enact Lincoln-Douglas debates
Let's play detroitist Jeopardy! The answer is "Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick's bra." What is something we don't want to think about on a hot summer afternoon, Alex. Oh but we are thinking about Carolyn Cheeks-Kilpatrick's bra because Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick said, during a televised debate, that Mary Waters isn't fit to carry said undergarment. We're going to go ahead and take the Congresswoman's advice and "turn off that tv." But you can still talk about y'all's boy. We won't stop you. After all we just got up here by just coming. (Freep)

Lansing State Journal discovers mortgage/foreclosure crisis
In one of the finest examples of enterprise journalist since Zola exposed the Dreyfus Affair, our state capital's newspaper just now discovered that mortgage foreclosures really, really, really suck. It's time to live! 800-3-3-3-ROCK! (LSJ)

Robert Mugabe to sparty on no more
In a move of tremendous moral bravery, the higher-ups at Michigan State are considering revoking an honorary degree awarded to Zimbabwe strongman Robert Mugabe. Hey now Spartan Nation, let's not rush to judgment before all the facts are in. What if it turns out those political opposition leaders deserved to be be beaten and imprisoned? We recommend forming a committee to consider if considering revoking Mugabe's pretend degree is a good idea. (Freep)

Why is that still, in this day and age, two strong and politically connected black men don't feel comfortable expressing their feelings for each other? It was clear to everyone in the world yesterday that Anthony Adams and Ken Cockrel are truly and completely in love. Unfortunately it's also obvious neither man is capable of expressing this very pure and very natural love in an appropriate and healthy manner. Instead we get the kind of emotionally charged outbursts we saw at yesterday's Council hearings. Take a look at the video tape and make your own determination. If sitcoms have taught us anything it's that a good battle of wills like we all witnessed between Cockrel and Adams always ends with a make-out scene.

Look we know the "two men arguing are really secretly longing of each other" is well-worn meme but situations like the complete functional breakdown of city government are reason such tired conventions exist. Without them there's very little for half-assed bloggers like us to add to the situation. The Free Press headline read "Hot times in the city" for fucks sake. And be honest with yourself, the thought that somehow yesterday's showdown might end is a awkwardly passionate gay kiss just makes the video that much more awesome. Detroit government: we wish we knew how to quit you. (Freep)

Council on the Tunnel sale: FAIL!
In their defense they were for the sale before they were against it. Actually they were against it before they were for it before they were against it. Maybe it's just all these sludge fumes but we're feeling a little dizzy. (Freep)

Time-Life presents the Bernard "Killer" Kilpatrick FBI Collection
And if you order now, you'll get all your favorite hits...like Mental Health Gets Me Paid, Some Votes Count Twice, No Bid Airport Contracts, Sludge For All, and of course Bernard's beloved country ballad We Killed A Stripper But You Can't Prove Shit! It's all available on two great CD's for one low price. Hurry quantities are limited. Call now! (Freep)

Granholm tries to pass the buck
All this Detroit scandal was really twisting up the gubernatorial intestines again. Granholm asked the U.S. Attorney's office to just kind of, you know, take care of it because it's hard and Jennifer Granholm isn't much good at hard. If the Feds handle things then she can get back to her regular duties. Like pretty much giving Mike Bishop whatever he wants. (DetNews)

Detroiters won't fund Detroit Justice Fund
If a sitting Mayor facing an 11-count indictment can't raise the necessary funds to pay for $700 an hour lawyers then there is something seriously wrong with this country. We wonder if Kevin McNamara donated or does he only put his own money into Canton roadways? (Freep)

You're still unemployed?
We skip one daily briefing and suddenly you people are too good to look for work now. Jennifer Granholm got us 4000 new jobs. Why are 8.5% of you still day drinking on a Tuesday? (LSJ)

Crafts fans brave Ann Arbor heat
The deals on wind chimes and hand knit wine bottle cozies are just too much for some people in the summer heat. People, please, if you're going to the Ann Arbor Art Fair wear a wide-billed hat and drink plenty of water. There is no reason for anyone to die because they wanted to buy a generic water color painting. (MLive)

Monica Conyers is alive and hungry
So she had dinner at a Conyers for Council fundraiser at Opus One even though her serious but undisclosed medical issue (cough...boob job...cough) is keeping her from showing up at City Council. You know...her job. (Freep)

Grand Vally State totally homos out
Oh those Godless secularists in Grand Rapids have found a way to circumvent the will of the people. Michigan voters made it perfectly clear that they want to kick the gays in the teeth any chance they get. Grand Vally State wants to give them health care. Don't they realize this will only encourage more people to become gay? (MLive)

Reinforcing negative stereotypes
Grown women having sex with 13-year-old boys is the hottest new trend. Sarah Jessica Parker is knocking boots with a 12-year-old and they are totally in love! Cosmo is doing a big spread in next month's issue: 15 hot news ways to drive your prepubescent lover wild! Our question is this: where were these teachers when we went to junior high? Back then, teachers were all old and professional. No sex there. (LSJ)

There are six million adults living in the state of Michigan. About 8.5% of those residents are unemployed or roughly 500,000 people without jobs. Fortunately Jennifer Granholm and the Michigan Economic Development Corporation, well Jeff Daniels mostly, used tax breaks to find work for 4,000 of those jobless souls. Whoop-dee-freaking-doo.

We aren't saying 4000 new jobs isn't a good thing because it is a good thing. But is giving away enough freebies to cobble together 4000 news jobs really newsworthy? Is it even something to be proud of? It begs the question...at the current margins, do tax cuts/tax breaks really make a lick of difference to economic development? And this whole 4000 news jobs assumes the companies coming to Michigan didn't just ship their own people to the Great Lake State. We're doubtful Michigan's barely literate population is even qualified for most of these jobs. After all readin' is fer homos. Real men work at the plant until they turn 60. Or they did until the plant got shipped to Gofuckyourselfastan.

Alls were saying is this: maybe instead of forever gnashing our teeth about NAFTA (15 years later) and bitching about taxes we could like, we don't know, build a marketable workforce. Re-invest in higher education so tuition rates don't continue climbing at an exponential rate. Or, as the kids like to say, accept the reality that we are living in the fucking 21st century global/information economy. (Freep)

Meet Susan LeFevre. In the 1970's she was busted for some drug possession charge and received the John Sinclair sentence. She escaped from prison, went to California, got married, raised a family, and then got busted. Now she's back in jail and the Free Press is gnashing it's teeth about her situation and prisons in general. As though no one was aware that prisons have become overcrowded, inhumane rape houses before Susan LeFevre was thrown back into the clink.

The damnest thing is the Free Press is kind of right. This women doesn't belong in jail nor do most of the non-violent drug offenders clogging our justice system. But eventually LaFevre will get her sentence commuted because she's a pretty white lady and a mom whereas the Free Press and everyone else will forget about the less attractive drug offenders. The article pretty much acknowledges that fact.

Wow what a downer. Did we really waste bandwidth to bum you all out with a sanctimonious rant? No of course not. What kind of third-rate blog do you take us for? This is detroitist. We can find humor in even the tragic events. No the real value to the Susan LeFevre story are the comments from the Freep's always enlightened on-line readers. Take a gander:

Time should not seperate (sic) wrong-doing. She escaped prison, she's busted and she should go back. CASE CLOSED!!!

Another day, another plea by Jeff Gerritt to coddle the criminals. Does this guy have any insight into what a parody of a bleeding heart liberal he is? Does he care about the incentive to escape that clemency for Lefebvre would create.

PLEASE! This another attempt of creating sympathy, try stopping the BS. First she only sold some pot as a misguided hippie. The truth 3 ounces of herion multiple times. Then her upper class life since shows she is reformed. Fact multiple stolen identities along the way, generating grief for her victims and survivors of the dead ones. Now she wants to be a champion for making prisons better. Whatever angle benefits her is the goal. The same mindset manipulate the facts, try accepting responsibility for your actions. Serve what is needed to get parole, and stop the "I am smarter than you attitude". Also drop the public relations firm.

Monica Conyers recovering from experimental herpes surgery
City Council President Pro Tem Monica Conyers won't be at City Council for the next three weeks. She's already been out for the last two. Conyers claimed she's recovering from surgery. She won't tell us what kind of surgery because, even though we pay her salary, it's none of our business as to why she isn't showing up for work. Fine with us, her non-answers leave us free to speculate that Conyers had to have a hideous anal cyst removed. (Freep)

Hard-on medicine just not as lucrative as it once was
Pfizer is trimming its workplace. Who would have thought anyone would have trouble selling dick pills to rich old men. They are dick pills after all. Didn't you see the ad in the back of Golf Digest? (LSJ)

Unemployed people attempt to get jobs
Didn't they hear about the extended unemployment benefits? Well about 750 of the 1000 people applying for work at the Book-Cadillac will learn soon enough. They're only hiring 250. (Freep)

Detroit trying to act more like China
Hey that's great news because China is the new economic juggernaut. Acting like China might help turn our sickly economy around. Or maybe not because by acting like China we just mean that people are torturing puppies here just like they do in China. Killings dogs doesn't create much economic impact. Nor does it indicate a highly skilled, highly educated workforce prepared for the 21st century. (DetNews)

Grand Rapids can't eat baseball
But they did watch heroic Magglio Ordonez play a rehab game with the West Michigan Whitecaps. Ordonez' performance, 1 for 4 with a run, no doubt inspired many a West Michigander to sell even more Amway crap. Or rather inspired them to get their friends to sell more Amway crap for them. That's how it works. You don't sell the soap. You get others to sell the soap for you. It's called a triangulated marketing strategy and it's nothing like a pyramid scheme. (MLive)

What are we supposed to do with this judicious and well-reasoned decision? Damnit Judge we need to know what is in the messages. Holy Mary, mother of God, you know the transcripts are going to be just so awesome. Allow us to channel our good friend Supergay to describe how awesome these text messages will be. Imagine Joan Crawford riding Liberace (in full costume) through Sigfried and Roy's tiger cage shouting "NO WIRE HANGERS" and spilling scotch everywhere.

Imagine that and understand the text messages will be like that but 50% more awesome. Now how in hell can anyone expect us to wait a week and a half for that? Have you no sense of decency Judge Giles? At long last, have you left no sense of decency? We want to know...nay...we need to know all the sordid details. The time Anthony Adams, Tony Earley, and Dan Gilbert sat around eating babies. The details of how Team Kilpatrick tried to kill Team Kilpatrick all-star Sharon McPhail with a chair massager. And of course we need to know all about how Carlita beat Strawberry like a Newfoundlander beating a baby seal and how Ella Bully-Cummings personally threw the the corpse down an unused elevator shaft in the Book-Cadillac.

We can't say (legally) for certain any of that happened but we're pretty sure what what did happen and is chronicled in Team Kilpatrick's text message scribbling will be just as good. Like undercutting their hand-picked police chief and lying under oath! We'll just have to wait until July 25 to know all the grizzly details. (Freep)

Sludge vote helped Synagro save...dramatic pause...one...million...dollars.
Maybe this is scandal is just a plot for the next Austin Powers movie. Dr. Evil launches a sludge empire. Rayford Jackson will play the Robert Wagner character. Guy with Mullet is new henchmen. The role of Fat Bastard will be played by Barbara-Rose Collins. We smell Oscar! (DetNews)

OMG! New txts may b out 2day! LOL! :) :) :) :) :) :)

And they will be good. You just know they will be good. We’re hoping they will reveal Bobby Ferguson, Christine Beatty, and the corpse of Strawberry had a three-way. Sharon McPhail was operating the video camera. (DetNews)

Greedy university steals money from humble athletic program

Michigan State takes over half of athletic department’s licensing revenue and all of the parking. They even charge the basketball team to play at Breslin. Now Spartan Nation is in debt. All that money could be used to bolster big-time college athletics instead it is wasted on education. (LSJ)

Brian Dickerson has creepy Fanchon Stinger fetish

Commenting on Dickerson’s Sunday column could never be as funny as simply quoting it. “Even in those days… it was impossible to stand within hailing distance of Stinger and not feel like a complete toad. Effervescent and unreasonably pretty, she radiated elegance ...” It’s doubtful Stinger still radiates much elegance or effervescence covered in all that sludge. Give Dickerson credit because writing a Sunday newspaper column with one hand is impressive. (Freep)

Gold Cup races canceled

There were literally two dozen disappointed people on the river today. We don’t know what the big deal is; everyone got good and drunk at the Detroit Yacht Club. That’s the most important thing. Besides, Miss Budweiser was going to win the damn thing anyway. (DetNews)

Tattoos are almost as lame as AOL email addresses

Tattoos used to be cool. They were for rebels, outlaws, and hot sorority girls with low hung blue jeans. Now old people are getting them and it is gross. No one who answers to “grandma” should have a tramp stamp. (MLive)

Michigan gets retarded for new iPhones
We tried. We really tried to not waste valuable bandwidth nattering on about the iPhone. But, since freep.com pretty much turned their front page into Mike Wendland's personal iPhone blog yesterday, we would be remiss to not comment. Apple released a new iPhone, new iPhone software, and a new iPhone internets store at the same time. Day one was a little rocky. We're sure glad they put that on the front page. Not much else going on. (Freep)

Competent man may run for Mayor of Detroit
Dave Bing is a retired sports star, successful businessman, and charismatic civic leader. If he's elected Mayor he'd only serve one term so he could be free to make unpopular but necessary decisions. The prospect of a Bing Administration warms our cold hearts and scares us shitless. If people started electing competent leaders this would be a very boring blog. (Freep)

Hippies sticking around after Rothbury Festival
They've just moved their traveling bazaar of organic hemp products and hand-blown hash pipes to Lacota for the Michigan Peace Festival. Click on the link for pictures of hot teenage hippy girls in bikini tops...that is unless you are the subject of our next story. (MLive)

Reinforcing negative stereotypes
Boats are incredibly cool but more often than not boaters are skeezy douchebags. Take 64-year-old Anthony Pellegrino. He's accused of paying a 15-year-old girl to pose for nude pictures on his boat. His 20-year-old "caregiver" denies anything suspicious was going on. A fact that is, in and of itself, suspicious. Even Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel finds this guy disgusting. Impressive considering Hackel's own father is a convicted rapist. (DetNews)

Michigan loves them some Slurpees
You know, considering all the shitty categories we are leading the nation in right now, being the top consumers of tasty, tasty Slurpees really isn't so bad. Just so long as we are avoiding the hot dogs and taquitos. God knows how long they've been sitting on those rollers. (Freep)

We wouldn't know Wayne County Commissioner Kevin McNamara if he cockpunched us on a street corner but he's a dumbshit. Given the choice between repairing roads in Canton or the rule of law, McNamara chooses the roads. The rule of law can't donate to the campaign funds like road contractors.

McNamara's opinion should surprise no one because this douchebag happens to be the son of dead Wayne County political boss Ed McNamara. When one kleptocrat goes down all the rest are threatened. McNamara's complaints about the cost of prosecuting the Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, mayor of the city of Detroit really mean: let's not kick over the gravy train because one of the swells got sloppy. There is a principal at stake. Protect your own.

We hate to be a burden but it should be pointed out that in civilized societies one needn't choose between roads and justice. Both are a given in the first and second world but in this dysfunctional kleptocracy they are mutually exclusive. Just like in some God-foresaken Third World banana republic. That's the way sniveling hacks such as Kevin McNamara like it.

As for Kym Worthy and the prosecutors office, detroitist says rock on with your bad selves. We're Wayne County taxpayers and we say use what you need. Take aim at Kilpatrick and Beatty like you once took down Budzyn and Nevers. Worthy should use the platinum card if necessary because making the charges stick in this case might scare some competence into third rate douchebags like Kevin McNamara.

Have you ever been to a real working farm? Were you captivated by the natural beauty? The sights? The sounds? The smells? The opportunity to get your hands dirty and create something from nature? No, neither were we. Every farm sells the same. Like shit. Look we know this is really bad and everything but we'd just assume meat magically appears in the grocery store under cellophane. Farming is noble work, Local and organic food is super. But that's all we really need to know. There's a reason we live a comfortable distance away from agriculture. In a city.

The good people of the south Bronx probably feel the same way. They can say good-bye city life; move to the country, and take up meth just as easy as the next person. Unfortunately the fine folks at Synagro brought the farm to them in the form of a waste-to-fertilizer plant. Now the Bronx stinks worse then ever and that smell may or may not be making people sick. The do-gooders, the same kind who tried to ruin the beautiful Detroit sludge plant, are suing Synagro and the city of New York.

We strongly recommend the do-gooders retain the services of Michael Stefani. That guy kicks ass at suing cities. We also recommend Synagro dig a little deeper if they want to buy a New York judge. Unlike Detroit City Council (allegedly), that judge is going to cost more than a couple grand and some Yankees tickets. It's New York for God's sake. Everything is more expensive there. (NYTimes)

Few concert venues suck ass as hard as the Pontiac Silverdome. The place has the acoustics of a metal garbage can but, unlike the Silverdome, the metal garbage can is an intimate venue at least. Good God that place was a dump. Sure there were good times. Who didn’t love drunkenly fighting with rednecks during Lions games? Or simply watching the greatest running back in NFL history waste his career with that abortion of a franchise. Pistons games were fun too. There was that big blue curtain hiding the fact that the Silverdome was a grossly inappropriate venue for professional basketball. Who didn't love that? And the RV shows…oh the RV shows.

On second thought, the Pontiac Silverdome was a special place after all. So special in fact that it’s going to have another life complete with concerts (can hair metal bands still draw those kinds of numbers?), horse shows, and we assume the occasional monster truck show. Then to make the place even more awesome, night clubs and restaurants will be built in the parking lot. There’s even going to be polo matches! And probably any of kind of shit they can cram on the site to make a nickel. Pretty much the worst sports venue maybe ever is going to get a whole lot lamer. Bloomfield attorney Wallace Parker will pay Pontiac $20 million for privilege of owning this concrete dump. He plans to spend another $175 million polishing the turd. Hey good luck to you Wally. (DetNews)

Wendell Anthony only loves God-fearing Christian sludge
The right Reverend still thinks sludge is the greatest thing since melted cheese on tits but he'd be awfully disappointed if Synagro cheated to get it. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! An upstanding Christian leader like Wendell Anthony would never stand for something that horrible. (Freep)

Guess who's back, back again
The Tunnel Deal! That's who...er...what or whatever. City workers are returning to the CAY Building just in time to use those big ass laser printers to crank out resumes. Good thing too because Windsor isn't so sure they want to buy the Tunnel from hopelessly corrupt Detroit politicians. That means Detroit is probably still $65 million short of making payroll this year. (Windsor Star)

State of Michigan turns off the water while brushing teeth
Governor Granholm turns off the lights whenever she leaves a room. She also personally installed those double paned windows that lower heating bills in every state-owned building. The state has reduced energy costs by $21 million annually. This is literally the single best thing state government has done in almost forever. (Crains)

Brooks Patterson, Canada to destroy Delray's last shred of dignity
Everyone wants to put the new US-Canada border crossing in Detroit's own version of Love Canal. detroitist is all about this plan. We can't imagine a better welcome sign for Detroit/Michigan/United States than Zug Island. Doesn't it just say everything that needs to be said? (Freep)

Michigan to stop investing in genocide
Sure we love how those high yielding returns enriched our pension fund but eventually you have to look in the mirror and say: how much murder, rape, and slavery is too much? At some point enough is enough. After study and review Michigan will boldly draw a carefully equivocated line in the sand. (MLive)

Mike Wendland totally overpaid for his cell phone
Apple releases the new iPhone today. This iPhone is half the cost of the previous version, is faster on the internets, and has all kinds of new features. Free Press tech columnist Mike Wendland says meh. After all, he paid like $500 for his less useful but more "revolutionary" iPhone last year and that makes him a bigger nerd than any of you. Dungeons and Dragons anyone? (Freep)

Brave tv news anchor Fanchon Stinger is leaving Channel 2. In addition to always looking so crisp and cheery every morning, Stinger whored herself out professionally in off hours and allegedly knocked boots with sludgeSCAM wheeler dealer Rayford Jackson.

Not that any of that stuff has anything to due with her departure. Sometimes a busy career gal like Fanchon needs to take a little time for herself. Also, every now and then, third-rate news operations like Channel 2 discover they still have some shred of journalistic integrity. We won't know all the details until Channel 2 covers their own story tomorrow morning. Hot rumor: Al Allen will do live Fanchon Stinger-is-fired coverage from the top an active volcano in Iraq's Al Anbar province.

Shed not a tear for this plucky talent. Fanchon Stinger will land on her feet. Perhaps she can help spin for ExxonMobil when they drill for oil on that Indian Reservation orphanage. Maybe she'll become the fresh new face of baby seal clubbing. See, her opportunities are truly endless. Channel 2 will be ok as well. How hard is it to replace one generic anchorette with another? (Freep)

Macomb County to get a government as good as Wayne County
The county that once voted for George Wallace is retarded for a new charter and a county executive. Man when that happens Macomb is going to be awesome in every way. We're just sorry guys like David Jaye, Bill Hackel, and the late Gil DiNello aren't around anymore to run for Macomb exec. (Macomb Daily)

HUD comes to Detroit to unveil foreclosure prevention program
This is a little like FEMA showing up in New Orleans a few days after the levees broke, isn't it? Housing and Urban Development Secretary Steve Preston says subprime lending isn't a bad thing. Really, could of fooled us. Hey kids how is that smartARM working for you now? IT'S TIME TO LIVE! 800-3-3-3-ROCK! (MLive)

Team Kilpatrick lawyer really, really, really tried to cover up the text messages
William Mitchell made phone calls, negotiated with other lawyers, even traveled to that God-forsaken malarial swamp known as Mississippi to keep the text messages under wraps. He eventually arranged for Gary Brown and Harold Nelthrope to receive a wheel-barrel of tax dollars to hide those texts. Then the messages were printed in the newspaper and it was all for naught. Wa-wah. (Freep)

Why does anyone bother to fly
That middle seat and TSA prostate exam are going to be the least of your problems at the airport. Northwest is charging to check bags and redeeming frequent flyer miles. Who you'll pay for those "services" is unclear because the McNamara Terminal tenant is cutting like 50 bahzillion employees. Hey remember after 9/11 when we gave that industry a $15 billion bailout? That was smart. (Star-Tribune)

Would the last person out please turn out the lights
There are less people here today then there were here two years ago. Make of that what you may. (Freep)

So how awesomely dysfunctional is Detroit's kleptocracy? Well sludgeSCAM provides some insights. We know about City Council joining the sludge cause for a few bags of empties from Rayford Jackson and Granholm-appointee Guy With Mullet James Rosendall. We've seen the reports about Bernard Kilpatrick, Jewel Ware, DNC member Michael Tardif, village idiot Otis Mathis, Wendell Anthony, and a couple non-profits. The Mayor of Hazel Park (whoever that is) appears to be the only local politico not in on this deal. Then there's tv news reporter Fanchon Stinger's role in the whole mess.

Oh crap, we're totally burying the lead...Stinger was on the fucking sludgeSCAM payroll! Sludge wunderkinds Synagro contracted for her...um...services. This is according to Darci McConnell, sludge spokeswoman to the stars. McConnell used to be newspaper reporter and a pretty good one. She also used to have a soul apparently.

Can we trust any of these bastards? The masturbatory reporting on Quicken Loans, Frank Beckman's Kwame Kilpatrick man-crush, the coverage of plans for a new border crossing? Is any of it on the level or is it bullshit scribbled by third-rate hacks on the payroll? Charles Pugh is running for City Council because he "just cares" about Detroit or does he just want a bigger cut? Bill Bonds was a drunken slob and a son-of-a-bitch but he was his own son-of-a-bitch. Good God are we really pining for the glory days of Bill Bonds?

170 years ago French historian Alexis de Tocqueville came to these United States to study American government and society. The outcome of that research was the seminal work of American study Democracy In America. If we dug up de Tocqueville and re-started his vital organs with jumper cables, we're certain he'd take an interest in Detroit's kleptocratic government. Detroit is not the first major municipality with a government by theft, but it is a remarkably ineffective one.

de Tocqueville marveled at the success of representative government in America while democracy, more often than not failed, in Europe (see the French Revolution). It is curious that kleptocracy fails in Detroit when it seems to work (however clumsily) elsewhere. Boss Tweed built the Brooklyn Bridge and created the modern soul of New York City. Dick Daley ensured Chicago remained a quintessential American city. The Ed McNamera machine's legacy is what exactly? An airport terminal. Meh. We're not impressed. (DetNews, more DetNews)

Ann Coulter's psychotic cousin Debbie Schlussel is mad as hell about Fanchon Stinger. Not so much that Stinger may have forsaken her journalistic ethics to work at Fox2...err...get waist deep in sludgeSCAM. Debbie probably doesn't like that either but her bigger issue is that Fanchon Stinger is a Muslim and that means she probably wants to blow up America.

The JDL's favorite pin-up girl didn't stop there. While explaining how Stinger loves sludge and Osama Bil Laden, Schlussel more or less inferred that John Conyers is gay. That would be news to the rest of the world since the very old Conyers has, you know kids and stuff, with his wife. And before you go make the "well Monica Conyers is rougher than most men" crack remember no one is accusing John Conyers of being a lesbian. Bad taste in women doesn't make you gay. Arguably it makes you more straight. Even the gayest gay in gaytown wouldn't need two beers to consider tagging Scarlett Johansson.

Bitch-slapping George W. Bush up and down Washington while half-dead does make John Conyers a BAMF. Besides who is Debbie Schlussel to talk? The woman looks like she's been beaten into submission by a dumptruck full of dicks. (debbieschlussel.com)

Kwame Kilpatrick doesn't whore around on his wife
The Mayor of Detroit doesn't have to pay for it, thank you very much. His women give it up for free. detroitist wants to meet women like Kilpatrick's women. Whores are expensive. At least in the old days we could go to Canada for an inexpensive throw. This damn weak dollar is killing us. (Freep)

Governor Granholm plays it safe
Will Rogers once said he didn't belong to an organized party because he was a Democrat. He ain't kidding. If you were the Democratic Party and intended to push a massive overhaul of state government via ballot proposal, wouldn't you run it by the Democratic Governor? One would think. Well, after a couple weeks of bruising coverage of the Dem's proposal, Granholm decides bravely to sit on the fence. (Freep)

FBI questions Barbara-Rose Collins, she closes her bathrobe
Oh crazy, slow-witted Barbara-Rose Collins! She shares the odd details of her life like a small town newspaper's "humor" columnist. The FBI came by for breakfast and Collins regaled Council with the whole amusing incident right down her (hopefully not open) bathrobe. Hard to believe this is the same woman who once pretended to be a member of MENSA. She denied everything of course. Why can't an honest politician love sludge? Is that too hard to believe? (DetNews)

Warren, Centerline chooses quantity over quality
Eight unremarkable Democrats are running for the same state house seat. One candidate is 23 but has a Masters Degree, another wants to "heal the community," and a third is tired of the fatheads in Lansing spending our tax dollars on stuff like roads and schools. No one told him he's a Democrat. (Freep)

The only thing worse than the people who want to criminalize drugs are those who want to legalize drugs
There's this plant called...wait for it...saliva and it makes you hallucinate. Sweet. The Michigan Legislature wants to ban it. Harsh. The drugs effects are minimal and the usage rate is really small but that hasn't stopped Lansing from working up a dander over saliva. Compared to the pro-saliva forces, however, the anti-saliva crowd is - what's the word? - not batshit. According to the pro-saliva crowd: "...salvia has become increasingly popular amongst explorers of nonordinary states of consciousness." Kids, psychotropics will turn you into sanctimonious douchebags. Just say no. (MetroTimes)

Remember the go-go 90's? Things were good then. The federal budget was balanced, our nation was basically at peace, the dollar was strong, and everyone had a good job. And remember when things were going so good you didn't think the economy was ever going to be bad again?

You went out and bought a new boat, a big SUV (because gas was super cheap too and that wasn't going to end), and of course a big, big house near thirtysomething mile road; far away from all the scary black people in Detroit. Then the Rust Belt came back and slapped you across your smug little face.

The economy is sucking giant donkey balls and that means times are good for the Repo Man. They aren't just dealing with the Rodriguez Brothers anymore but all sort of panty-waste suburbanites who can't pay for their stuff and cry like little girls when Harry Dean Stanton and Emilo Estavez come calling.

Credit is a sacred trust, it's what our free society is founded on. Do you think they give a damn about their bills in Russia? Don't go tellin' us everything is free in Russia either. You aren't a fuckin' commie? We don't want no commies on our blog. No Christians either. (DetNews, IMDB)

Remember like 10 years ago when they had the first Woodward Dream Cruise? People brought out their classic cars and everyone had a pretty good time on an otherwise lazy summer weekend. Then the Dream Cruise weekend became the Dream Cruise week which became the Dream Cruise month and now the damn thing is unofficially running pretty much all summer. Every hillbilly with an old car is driving up and down Woodward (or some other street) for no apparent reason except to re-live the temporary glory of high school. Yeah that Bruce Springsteen song Glory Days? It was ironic. There's nothing glorious about living in the (distant) past. Pathetic is more like it.

Especially so given the current price of gasoline. Local TV news will never go broke airing stories about slobs frustrated with the price of gas yet these jokers are out there, up and down the street, at 8 MPG for no real reason. But you know who loves your driving habits, never ending dream cruisers? Al-Qaeda that's who. They couldn't do what they do without your conspicuous consumption of gasoline. Oh what you don't really think those Saudi princes want us to win do you?

So really keep it in the garage until the actual Dream Cruise, if not for the sanity of Woodward corridor residents, then do it for our troops. USA! USA! USA! USA! (Oakland Press)

Christine Beatty is looking like 800 miles of bad road
You would to if you were indicted for perjury and find out your marriage was destroyed for a guy who was cheating on you as well as cheating with you. (Freep)



Synargro was bribing everyone
America's favorite sludge processor was allegedly spreading money all over town to win support for their lovely sludge plant. We know about the accusations involving Rayford Jackson, Guy with Mullet, Bernard Kilpatrick, and City Council but now we learn Synargro may have been "bribing" community activists as well. Sweet. The list of Synargro's on-the-payroll supporters appears to include: Wendell Anthony, Commissioner Jewel Ware's husband, school board member and village idiot Otis Mathis, and a couple of eastside non-profits. Why would organizations on the east side care about a sludge in southwest Detroit? Probably so it doesn't end up in their backyard. Also the sweet, sweet cash. (DetNews)

This sort of thing really isn't a helping
A woman...a mom no less...is bravely redecorating a homeless shelter in Pontiac. And she's doing this without a single hint of irony. Look that's nice and all but most homeless people don't need a "shabby chic dresser." They need mental health care to treat their schizophrenia, drug addiction, and bipolar disorder. The rest of us need that too. Getting hassled by a Hepatitis-infected crazy person demeans everyone involved. (Freep)

New EMU President promises not to cover up anymore murders
Well that's a start. There's a lot of things you can do at college but whitewashing a murder investigation isn't one of them. Let's hope she doesn't want to build a new house either. Go Eagles! (MLive)

Cops don't want Cartier sunglasses
Man is pulled over by cops. Man gives cops a false identity. Cops discover man has outstanding warrants. Man attempts to bribe cops with a pair of gently used $3500 Cartier sunglasses. Cops arrest man. Man slides legs through hand cuffs and (while still cuffed) steals a police car. Man is eventually arrested. Bribing cops with a pair of sunglasses? Did he confuse them with Monica Conyers? (Freep)

Alternative headline: girl in san fransisco writes 97-page poem to remind us she doesn't live here anymore. At long last hasn't this city suffered enough? An indicted Mayor, a City Council selling their votes for pennies on the dollar, record high unemployment, and a bankrupt school system. Even the Tigers are looking pretty mediocre. Now we have to deal with a 97-page poem? A "docu-poem" no less. Sorry but that's just too much. Oh the gnashing of teeth that went into this opus, entitled The Straights. You have no idea...

According to Bill McGraw's column the author Kristin Palm lived in Detroit for five years before hightailing it to California. Fair enough but Palm's comments to McGraw rank amongst the worst douchebaggary we've ever heard about Detroit. Let's take a look together, shall we:

"What is cool about Detroit is it's not like New York or San Francisco."

"Detroit wasn't like other cities -- for fun we went to Toronto and Chicago."

"That said, there is no denying buildings and land and, most importantly, human beings, have been abandoned here. How did society allow this to happen?"

Or govern? Or find the time to tie those garish full Windsor knots? Hell, when did he have time to send text messages?

Kym Worthy has more evidence of more perjury by the Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, Mayor of the city of Detroit. More perjury about more sex with more women. So that tender, loving Kwame who just wanted to lay in bed with Christine Beatty and cuddle and sing R. Kelly songs was just a steaming pile of bullshit. Are our elected officials so without gentlemanly manners as to not stay true to their romantic liaisons?

Apparently the answer is yes. Wayne County prosecutors revealed this latest nail in the Team Kilpatrick coffin in court today. Naturally Kilpatrick's lawyers have accused the prosecutors of trying the case in the press...by giving proper notice in open court before the trial judge. Those indiscreet rakes! (DetNews)

Kilpatrick and Granholm: Michigan's Odd Couple
On May 20, Kwame Kilpatrick was asked to remove himself from the office of Mayor. That request came from his City Council. Deep down, he knew they were right, but he also knew that someday, he could beat these charges. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his sometime political ally, Jennifer Granholm. Sometime earlier, Granholm's legislature stopped listening to her, requesting she go away. Can two inept political hacks share a political crisis without driving each other crazy? (DetNews)

Being farmers is the coolest new thing
Remember like five years ago when developers were waving all kinds of green money at farmers so they could pave their land and build shitty vinyl-sided houses? Well the tables have turned. Nobody wants shitty vinyl-sided houses in the middle of nowhere. Those days are gone. Let's tear down those houses and grow corn for the sweet, sweet biofuels that won't solve our energy crisis. (MLive)

Community College is for burn-outs
Community colleges are pretty nifty. For a, still, reasonable price you can start a traditional college program, take refresher courses, or complete vocational training. Campuses are conveniently located and they usually have plenty of night courses. Community colleges are a great resource. No question about it. Too bad they are also sweetness wasted on the desert air of Michigan mediocrity. Either the students are dumb as bricks or educational officials don't know how to properly gauge the effectiveness of Community Colleges. (LSJ)

I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night; alive as you or me
He was buying of venti soy caramel macchiato with a shot of almond and no whip. Why in hell is the IWW organizing Starbucks? We thought the IWW went away sometime around the Palmer Raids. Hey look, it's sweet the Wobblies are trying. It really is. But if most of the universe thinks you're a historical curiosity then you're going to be a pretty ineffective agent for change. Speaking of ineffective, why aren't the regular union types organizing places like Starbucks instead of constantly whining about their dwindling membership? (WOOD)

Hippies have greatest day since August 8, 1995
No, Jerry Garcia didn't come back from the dead to re-join the Dead. Although he will. That prophesy has been foretold. Phish reunited for a set at Rothbury on Sunday. And the hot rumor is they will reunite for real. You know what that means? A tour. Time to give the co-op two-weeks notice and breakout the grow lamp. (Freep)

The kids love them some heroin
In our day we didn't have heroin. No sir. Back when we was kids and we wanted to get high we had to make our own drugs. Glue, paint, whip-its. Occasionally some rich kid might have a little weed. Nowadays these kids are soft, what with their iPod nanos and Nintendo wiis and MTV2. Glue and whip-its aren't good enough anymore. These kids today need opiates. Pah-shaw. In our day heroin was for artists and prescription opiates were for bored housewives. And that's the way we likes it. (MLive)

Sludge contract smelled like a steaming pile of shit
Kwame Kenyatta thought the sludge deal was bad news. The rest of Council told him to sit down and shut up. He was embarrassing the right, honorable Councilwoman Monica Conyers. Worse still, he could have cost her like $4000. (Freep)

Democrats may or may not hold secret meetings about secret ballot proposal
Of course this ballot proposal is something they may or may not support. They'll tell you more in August when the they'll be required to by law. Come on, who wouldn't want to vote for this thing? (DetNews)

Reinforcing negative stereotypes
Phillip Alexander had his license suspended 22 times before he got so angry that he ran 10 cars off the road in one incident. Now he's going to spend 13 years in prison. 7:5 Alexander listens to a lot of Toby Keith when he drives. (AP)

Long weekends make for slow news cycles so we're breaking format (as the fm deejays like to say) to celebrate Independence Day with a classic clip from the Lawrence Welk Show. Really does anything embody the American heartland spirit quite like Lawrence Welk? To quote Eric Sevareid: "middle class, middle aged, middle brow." Enjoy this "modern spiritual" as interpreted by someone named Dale and another person named Gail:

Deer attends classes at Central Michigan University
Politicians love to babble about the importance of an educated work force. Everyone needs a college degree, they say. The rhetoric is usually followed by an almost Malthusian process where by admission standards are lowered arithmetically and tuition prices are raised exponentially. So while this deer is going to class at Central; Bambi will hate those student loan payments. (CM-Life)

Blue Cross Blue Shield acts like the Comcast
Blue Cross may have accidentally over-charged Oakland County $16.9 million. Oakland County says it wasn't so accidental. Blue Cross say our own O.C. is run by a bunch of illiterate morons who can't read a contract. We're prepared to believe both stories. Either way, we feel silly griping about those stupid fees on our cable bill. (Freep)

FBI has Conyers covered in sludge on tape...allegedly
Her lawyer calls shenanigans but pretty much he goes all non-denial denial about the report. Conyers herself is too busy being out sick to comment. We'd better see a doctors note when she comes back to work. (DetNews)

Paved roads are so over-rated
Besides Wayne County can't afford to keep them paved anyway. There was too much snow this winter and it broke the budget. We warned you. Didn't we warn you? All this anti-global warming stuff would be the ruin of us. Break out those aerosol cans and keep the county solvent. (Freep)

Rothbury isn't granola enough for some people
Environmentally friendly festival, jam bands, girls with armpit hair, copious amounts of weed. Oh sure it all sounds good but Rothbury is totally corporate. The true believers are in the UP this weekend listening to poetry around the drum circle. There's a party. (Freep)

Times are tough. No question about it. But on this day we can put all that aside and take pride in our nation. Across the great state of Michigan, people are grilling, swimming, boating, golfing, hiking, and otherwise celebrating our noble republic. Independence Day is one of the best holidays. The weather and food are both outstanding. The British play tennis. The best part is the fireworks.

Not official fireworks organized by municipalities and safely set off by trained professionals. Those are nice but they lack the authenticity of the classic amateur fireworks display. Just regular folk with that good old American can do spirit. That's what this country is all about...drunk rednecks attempting to light dangerous explosive devices illegally purchased in Ohio and Kentucky. What could possibly go wrong with this scenario? We're not saying this is connected but we suspect the state's unemployment rate will be lower come Monday. USA! USA! USA! USA! (Adrian Daily Telegram)

Is there anyone cooler than Guy with Mullet James Rosendall? First he (allegedly) bribed City Council to approve his sludge plant. Then he cooperated with the FBI to bust City Council for (allegedly) accepting his sludge plant bribes. Then he said he only (allegedly) did it because that was the only way he could help southwest Detroit get a shiny new sludge plant. And they say there aren't any heroes anymore.

Now we learn Rosendall was involved with a controversial compost facility in the Frank Grimes of neighborhoods, Delray. He owns the land where they do the composting!

The evil citizen activists that almost shut down the sludge plant also tried to ruin the compost facility. In fact they actually did ruin it for a few hours. Council voted against compost. Then they voted again and approved the compost facility. The Council members who passed the compost facility the second time? Monica Conyers, Alberta Tinsley-Talabi, Barbara-Rose Collins, Sheila Cockrel and Martha Reeves.

If those names sound familiar, it's because Monica Conyers, Alberta Tinsley-Talabi, Barbara-Rose Collins, Sheila Cockrel and Martha Reeves were the same five to approve Syngaro's beautiful sludge plant. No red flags there. (Freep)

Kym Worthy fights to violate Team Kilpatrick's privacy
By using transcripts of text messages in court. Transcripts of text messages on city-owned pagers. The same pagers Team Kilpatrick once said were to be used with no expectation of privacy. Team Kilpatrick wants the text messages thrown out. You know what Jack McCoy would do? Argue inevitable discovery, get the messages in, and charge Kilpatrick with reckless endangerment...murder two! (Freep)

Democratic National Committeeman covered in sludge
His name is Michael Tardif and he's friends with Guy with Mullet. Tardif is also tight with Team Kilpatrick however we would never, ever claim Team Kilpatrick is in any way connected to sludgeSCAM. After all the Mayor has said so and we always take indicted perjurers at their word. Plus he'd sue us. (Freep)

Awesome third-world sweatshops help Michigan save tax dollars
Unfortunately a bunch of silly do-gooders want to stop the gravy train. The thing they don't understand is if we don't buy from the sweatshop then they'll close the sweatshop. Where will the Burmese war orphans work then? (LSJ)

Granholm wants some of that sweet, sweet Katrina aid
Remember Hurricane Katrina? Yeah that was a sweet deal for Louisiana. They're getting billions of dollars in Federal aid to rebuild the state. Michigan's had some rain. Can we get some that cash too? (MLive)

Detroit Police taking bribes from gas station owners
Ok we don't actually know that but given everything else that's going on with city government can you offer a better explanation for DPD's decision to crackdown...wait for it...on unlicensed bicycles? The awsomest part? According to the good people at Wheelhouse, the law is completely unenforceable! (DetNews, Wheelhouse)

Bernard "Killer" Kilpatrick covered in sludge
We don't buy it. When Bernard Kilpatrick buys someone they stay bought. (DetNews)

Who is James Rosendall?
The Guy with Mullet that's who. And we love him and his delicious sludge. (WXYZ)

Team Kilpatrick's next legal strategy will resurrect the Stennis Compromise
Once upon a time the Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, Mayor of the city of Detroit sent out a memo. It said whatever city employees you do on city-owned property (phones, computers, pagers) is public record. Now Team Kilpatrick says hang on a sec, we didn't really mean that. Apparently Kwame Kilpatrick's policy violates Kwame Kilpatrick's right to privacy. Senator John Stennis has read the text message transcripts and he assures us there is nothing criminal. (Freep)

God wants you to drive a big SUV
Most churches do all kinds of good charitable things. They feed the hungry and comfort the sick. Some of them educate the children. One church out in Plymouth subsidizes your gas. What would Jesus drive? A big F-150 with the extra set of tires on the back axle that's what. (DetNews)

Granholm panders to the elderly
These record high gas prices have become an issue for both church and state. Jennifer Granholm has a plan. No not improved public transportation or smart growth planning. That would be silly. Her plan is to lower the speed limits. Oldsmobile drivers of the world rejoice! The jokes on them because no ever pays attention to the speed limit anyway. (Freep)

Godless cripples want to kill your baby and eat its stem cells
And they put the issue on the ballot! In November! Won't someone think of children! Oh why won't anyone think of the children! Never fear an opposition group as formed. It's called...wait for it...Michigan Citizens Against Unrestricted Science and Experimentation. You know the Nazis had science too. They used it on the Jews. (Crains)

Detroit Red Wings to inspire hard-luck town with another Stanley Cup
They took the best hockey team in the NHL and made them better by signing Marian Hossa. The real question is who will Wings fans boo at next years victory parade. Mayor Kilpatrick or Mayor Cockrel? (ESPN)

There are certain things you can't do if you are a teacher. You can't, for instance, marry a convicted sex offender. Even if you aren't a teacher, marrying a convicted sex offender is probably a bad idea. If you are a teacher and married to a convicted sex offender, don't bring the students around. Let's repeat that in case anyone is unclear: for the love of all things holy do not bring your students around your convicted sex offender spouse.

A teacher in Oxford apparently didn't understand that message. This teacher-of-the-year candidate hired her 16-year-old student to do chores around her house. Somehow those chores grew to include testing various...um...marital aides. Eventually the teacher's convicted sex offender spouse attempted to rape their student employee. Who could have predicted that?

That's why spouses of convicted sex offenders shouldn't be teachers. (DetNews)

City Council bravely doesn't take a paid vacation
Despite the Synagro bribery scandal, City Council promises to keep showing up for work. That's a smart plan because it's hard to accept bribes if you aren't working. (DetNews)

Mayor Kilpatrick gets all Captain Renault; is shocked, shocked to find sludge in Detroit
And if you try and say otherwise, he'll sue your sorry ass. (Freep)

Synagro to bring sludgey goodness to Hamilton, PA
Gung Ho 2. The Japanese auto company closes the factory and moves to North Carolina. Michael Keaton scours the globe for a new company to use the factory. Guy with Mullet (played by Dewey Cox from Walk Hard) pays off the Mayor and Town Council and the sludge plant opens. George Wendt and John Turturro don't like working with shit. Michael Keaton convinces everyone to set a sludge processing record. They fall short and Guy with Mullet bribes boss to keep plant open. Michael Keaton still town hero. (Evening Sun)

Jennifer Granholm, our ever bold Governor, today did what she does best...be unremarkable. Granholm says the current scandals in Detroit (perjury charges against the mayor, bribery investigation of council members, fiscally inept school system) are hurting Michigan. Really? You don't say. Does anyone believe otherwise? Well except maybe inbred Ku Kluxers who post in the Free Press comments section. They shouldn't count because if evolution doesn't acknowledge their existence neither does detroitist. But back to the Governor.

Granholm, in her usual kindergarten teacher way, is very disappointed in the state's largest city but like any decent overly-permissive kindergarten teacher she won't take away anyone's playtime over this mess. After all what can the Governor do about it anyway? According to her, a fat lot of nothing. Like most politicians Granholm is either a liar or just ignorant. There is plenty she could do. Such as:

1. Begin proceedings to remove Kwame Kilpatrick from office.
2. Publicly acknowledge that the city of Detroit is fiscally mismanaged and essentially bankrupt. Begin the process to place Detroit is receivership.
3. Do the same thing for Detroit Public Schools and do a better job of it politically then her Republican predecessor.
4. Follow the lead of her party's presidential nominee and remove all lobbyists (such as Guy with Mullet and former Transportation Commissioner James Rosendall) from appointed positions in state government.
5. Implement actual policies that help turn Detroit into the world-class "cool city" you claim you want Detroit to be instead of caving to the politicians pandering to the George Wallace crowd.

You know what? Screw that. It's too hard. We're going to go fingerpaint and then after naptime we'll play with the blocks. (Freep)

Sure Kroger only makes a couple pennies off every can of soup but they sell millions of cans of soup. City Council works the same way. They don't sell their votes for a lot of money. They sell a lot of votes for at a reasonable price. No really. We can't make this up:

"If you're going to trade your vote, you'd think it would be for a lot of money," one said. "Four figures is not a lot of money. ... They were selling their votes in volume."

Team Kilpatrick denies involvement in sludgeSCAM, shocked by Council's corruption
We also learn that The Honorable Kwame Malik Kilpatrick, Mayor of the city of Detroit received a $10,000 campaign donation from James Rosendall (aka Guy with Mullet) who masterminded the whole sludge operation. Turns out Kilpatrick is also BFF with Rayford Jackson. No has yet been able to prove (or even suggest) that Kilpatrick, Rosendall, and Jackson had a gay threeway but let's be honest here; that's the only thing this case in missing. Still and all, we believe Kilpatrick. Why wouldn't we take an indicted perjurer at his word? (WXYZ)

Massive state government overhaul proposal to get on the ballot
In 2010, Michigan voters will have the opportunity to re-open the Michigan Constitution and revise it through a long-established and formal process. But 2010 is like forever away and reasonable, established processes are such a pain. Hey! Let's overhaul the Constitution with a quick and dirty ballot proposal right now! (Oakland Press)

Overprotective moms ruin high school football
Hair cuts are now considered a form of hazing in some circles. We were nerds in high school so the last thing we want to advocate is a return to the days when starting quarterbacks were allowed to wag their genitals in your face and date rape girls but to paraphrase Allen Iverson: I mean listen, we're talking about haircuts. Not the shocker, not the shocker, not the shocker, we're talking about haircuts. Haircuts. (MLive)

Ferndale moms feel good about their empty gesture
Moms don't like it we you speed through their neighborhood anymore than when we play whiffle ball in the house. A couple of these moms had signs printed up (with money their husbands hoped to use for a new Calloway driver or BluRay player) reminding people to obey the speed limit. We're guessing those signs will be as effective as signs urging us to vote for LaRouche or to go see the Oak Ridge Boys at Soaring Eagle. (DetNews)

TV news "reporter" covered in sludge
Why was Fanchon Stinger hanging out with Rayford Jackson and Monica Conyers, talking about sludge, and not reporting it on her her tv news program? Oh what. It's not like she could just bump a story about fun summer recipes. (Freep)

Shelia Cockrel's non-denial denial
She says everything except that she's innocent. (Freep)

Sam Riddle is a BAMF
"I told them to go f--- themselves. If you want to indict my black a--, then indict me." Now that's how you do a non-denial denial. (DetNews)

The Guy With Mullet is really, really tired
He wasn't suspended, he's just taking a sabbatical. Sure, we'll believe that...for a price. (DetNews)

Synagro is the greatest company since Ferguson Enterprises
Bobby is smoother and doesn't play with shit. (Freep)

The always lovely, always sludge happy City Councilwomen Barbara-Rose Collins and Martha Reeves spent last night pouring over facts and figures on the Tunnel sale they voted against yesterday. They spoke with citizens and concern parties as well as exploring budgetary alternatives. Collins and Reeves really burned the midnight oil on this one. After reviewing the data and some quiet meditation and prayer, this dynamic duo moved to reconsider the Tunnel vote. Thanks to Reeves and Collins, Canada will now own the Detroit Windsor Tunnel.

We at detroitist welcome our new Canadian overlords and look forward to their brutal Tunnel regime. We hope they’ll replace WJR with 93.9 as the only radio station you can listen to in the Tunnel.

Of course this also means 1300 city employees won’t lose their jobs…this year. Next year, Team Kilpatrick may have to steal $65 million in copper wire to fill this budget hole. Or maybe the sludge industry can put in the extra cash. Either way works for us. (Freep)

City of Detroit employee suicide watch begins...now
Council rejected Team Kilpatrick's daffy plan to sell the Tunnel. 1300 city workers may lose their jobs because of the clusterfuck that is the city budget. For the record: sludge-loving Shelia Cockrel was against the tunnel sale before she was for it. Does Canada have deep pockets like the sludge industry? (Freep)

Extended unemployment benefits to bring 50 bahzillion dollars of economic activity to Michigan
Receiving unemployment benefits, our state's hottest growth industry, now lasts three months longer. And they've added flavor crystals! Cheer up soon-to-be-laid-off city of Detroit workers, you have nine months now before you need to burn down the house for the insurance money. (DetNews)

And then there's that school district
We're really going to enjoy this seminal meltdown of the Detroit Public Schools in about 5-10 years when the metro area is over-run by hordes of unemployable, illiterate 20-somethings. What's that you say? We mean worse than now. Much, much worse. (Freep)

Guy with mullet masterminded sludgeSCAM
Oh and it's not just any guy with mullet. This guy with mullet happens to be a former Granholm appointee. James Rosendall served on the state's Transportation Commission from 2002 until, um, April. Guy with mullet is also a lobbyist for our friends at Synargo as well as their Vice President of Marketing. Naturally Synargo is shocked by these developments and has suspended Rosendall and his mullet. (Freep)


Sam Riddle talks sludgeSCAM: Monica is fucked
Love him or hate him, everyone could respect John Conyers as honest, committed, and tenacious. Seems like his half-witted wife only needed a fews months in the public spotlight to flush that reputation, built up over nearly a half-century in Congress, right down the drain. (Freep)

Lansing horses have better medical care than you
The unemployment rate is also lower among Michigan horses than among Michigan people. And their union successfully fought back against efforts to eliminate the carrots and apples benefit for horses. Once horses learn to hoof count, they are better at math than the average Michigan person. Was that too far? (LSJ)