detroitist

Wow is this place filthy and is that a dead guy in the crawl space? Sure smells like it. Anyway starting May 11, we'll be over at our new (and hopefully permanent) home Dyspathy (it means antipathy). Join us, won't you?

What are you still doing here? Seriously. No one posts here anymore. This blog, the one you are looking at right now, is the internets equivalent of urban prairie. It's been abandoned. Left to rot. Watch out for the cyber-crackheads and cyber-pheasants. Both are more dangerous than they seem.

Your best option is to join us at our safe, new Detour home. Just click on the magic logo below and you'll be instantly transported to that wonderful site. It's a friendly, well-lit blog with good internet service and the like. All our archives are over there (or will be soon enough) and there's also an above ground swimming pool! You'll like it. We promise. (Detour)

Detroitist is pleased to announce that Detroitist is no more. We're moving this entire operation to the re-imagined and soon-to-be re-launched Detour. Beginning Wednesday morning afternoon, what once was Detroitist will be re-branded as Detour's news section. You can expect State of the State morning read everyday and rest of our fun take on Michigan's political and sociological dysfunction! It will just be over there instead of here. There will be other stuff at Detour as well. Stuff about music, films, art, and other shit that can lift your soul after we give it a swift kick in the cock (or vag, as it were) with our stellar news analysis.

Despite our swanky new corporate digs, we will maintain the snark and venom that you've come to love from Detroitist. We've been given editorial independence and they seem to encourage our most outrageous tendencies. Please send money, whores, and other fine things to Detour staff because they're taking this shitty little blog to the big time!

Moving to Detour means professional back-end management, copy editing, marketing, and promotion. It's like moving from cable access to HBO ESPN2. Readers can look forward to more sophisticated visual content and some new regular features. We don't want to give away too much but let's just say Rochelle Riley will be covered. Every week.

This also means more readers. Those of you who’ve been with us from the beginning will remain close to our hearts. Like those people who won't shut up about that one time they saw Nirvana at some God forsaken shithole in 1988, you knew about this phenomenon before it really took off. Dorks. See you at the new site! (Detour)

Folks, we just need a minute of your time to discuss an important subject with you. Satan. That's not a pleasant subject, we know. Perhaps it's something that makes you fine and decent people feel uncomfortable. That's understandable. But, for the sake of our children's immortal souls, we cannot afford to ignore Satan any longer. My friends, Satan's minions are hard at work trying to knock regular people just like yourselves off of God's path to salvation. Satan wants your souls and folks, if you'll excuse the pun, give the devil his due because Satan is mighty clever.

Sometimes Satan will disguise himself as something wholesome. Something like good, clean casino gambling. Oh what could it hurt, you ask? A day at the nickel slots, a pack of Virginia Slim ultralight 120s, and, if you're lucky, a comped meal. Surely there's no harm in that. Up until last week you may have been right but things have changed. Blessed be the name of Christ, things have changed. Last week, the Las Vegas syndicate known as the MGM put up billboards all over town with yellow demonic eyes. On freeways. Where children might see them!

And surely you all know who built Las Vegas? Why it was Roman Catholics in the Italian mafia! These Catholics don't answer to the U.S. Constitution or even the King James Bible. No sir, Catholics answer only to the Pope in Rome. Can you imagine that? Putting some strange foreign man with a funny hat above our country, the King James Bible, and even God himself probably. You can see why this is such a serious situation.

And yes some of you out there are saying, well golly Satan is bad but we have worldly problems too. This town needs cleaner streets, better schools, and good football team but ask yourself this...will any of that matter if you spend the rest of eternity in a lake of fire? Friends, a soul in hell has no use for paved roads or good schools.A soul in hell doesn't care who went to the Super Bowl. A soul in hell is only concerned with one thing, anguish. Anguish for having thrown away God's kingdom by not living a Christian life on this earth.

Praised be that the good Lord above has, in his wisdom and grace, blessed us with a wise and Christian public servant as Alberta Tinsley-Talabi. She is a warrior for God fighting the MGM's billboards of demonic eyes. Friends, remember that come Election Day. Remember Alberta Tinsley-Talabi's holy crusade against billboards with yellow eyes. Amen. (DetNews)

No one cares about dumb Warren Evans
About one in ten Detroit voters bothered to vote yesterday. Of those actual voters, one in ten selected supercop and Detroit savior Warren Evans. Twice as many voted for two-time loser Freman Hendrix who then went all: you won't have Nixon to kick around anymore after the results came in. This means Freman Hendrix eventually will be president. Oh yeah, Bing and Cockrel won the primary. Three more rounds before we get our official real mayor! That won't suck at all. (DetNews)

Monica goes on a field trip
The rustic and uncouth President of City Council went to Lansing today to...wait for it...lobby for a Cobo expansion deal. Hey, what a great idea because Cobo should expand to keep the NAIAS and if a regional authority could operate the facility, it would be really great for Detroit. Oh wait... Also Mitch McConnell is right now on his way to the UN to work on this trade deal because Barack Obama totally disrespected him. (Freep)

Felon Kwame Kilpatrick just another cautionary tale
When he was a young man, Kwame Kilpatrick did wrong. But he served some time and now he's just trying to turn his life around. He found a good job out-of state, well it's as good a job as an ex-con could hope to find. But he's still on probation and they might not let him go to Texas. If that happens, Kilpatrick is liable to return to a life of crime and politics because it's the only life he knows. Kwame Kilpatrick is exactly like the angry young man in that Elvis Presley song In The Ghetto. And his momma cries... (DetNews)

Charlie LeDuff's brother sees dead people
Turns out Charlie LeDuff's brother was the secret caller who one time told Charlie LeDuff about the dead guy in that building. LeDuff said it was some random person or something and he went to check it out before calling the police because sometimes these things are hoaxes and what not. Well that makes sense, LeDuff's brother is well-known prankster! That's kind of the crux of Curt Guyette's inside baseball piece on the journalism of Charlie LeDuff. Also, LeDuff says fuck almost as much as detroitist when detroitist has temporary Tourettes. (Metro Times)

Stand-by for a major detroitist related announcement
The blog may be kind of quiet for the next couple days but it isn't because we are abandoning you people. See right now we're kind of like Reggie Dunlop after he found out who owns the Chief. We've got a major deal in the works that will totally blow your minds. Now, we're not saying that we'll be sitting pretty in Florida after the mill closes and this town is a memory but trust us when we tell you something major is about to happen so stay tuned. (detroitist)

The regional plan to expand Cobo Hall made too much sense. It enabled Detroit to retain the North American International Auto Show. It removed a budgetary drain off of city's books while providing green money to help Detroit pay off its Cobo-related obligations. Good God, this was more than just sound policy. It was a brief shining oasis of competence in the desert of ineptitude and graft that is Michigan politics.

Naturally a plan this logical had to be destroyed and that's what Monica Conyers did with help from her pig-fucking colleagues Barbara-Rose Collins, Joann Watson, Martha Reeves, and Alberta Tinsley-Talabi. Collectively, those women equal two tons of fun.

This decision is so absurd, so reeking of petulance that it almost defies the limits of snark because even the snarkiest response to this decision reads like sober political analysis. Even a repugnant Victorian nelly like David Denby would be unable to soberly opine on City Council's decision without resorting to the language of snark. The only way we can comment on this story, in the entertaining manner that our readers are accustomed, is to develop a temporary Eric Cartman-esque case of Tourettes Syndrome. Let's try it. We will start with some ordinary Mencken-inspired commentary and just let the Tourettes spice it up...

Monica Conyers is just a vile rustic half-wit who WHORE! DRUNKEN WHORE! would be more comfortable on a backwoods dung pile than in a major cosmopolitan city. The only difference between Monica Conyers CUNT! and Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel is the SPF level of their respective sunscreens. One-time-my-cousin-and-I-touched-wieners! John Conyers TOUCHED WIENERS! deserves ass cancer for unleashing Monica on the good and decent people of Detroit. WIENERS! TOUCHED WIENERS! Nope, not going to work.

This horrible town. (Freep)

Last week we brought you the exciting news that batshit Sharon McPhail was lying about her age on her Youtube profile. She said she’s 48 even though she’s 60. The next day the Detroit News reported the same thing. Not that there is any coincidence in that timeline. Great minds think alike.

The key difference between the two reports was analysis. detroitist said that batshit Sharon lied about her age because she’s crazy but the News opined that is was probably a typo. Looks like they fixed the typo! According to Youtube, McPhail is now 49. She fixed one incorrect age with another. Weird.

There are logical reasons for her bizarre actions. Perhaps batshit Sharon is so crazy that she really believes she is in her late 40’s and today is her birthday. Or perhaps someone on the campaign accidentally changed her incorrect age to another, different incorrect age. Or perhaps, given her steady 4% in the polls, batshit Sharon decided this has been the best coverage her campaign has received so she’s trying to milk it for even more ink on Election Day. (Youtube)

One of the four mayoral elections is today
According to census data about one out of six metro Detroiters live in the city proper. Roughly one in ten of those city residents eligible to vote will go to the polls today. After reviewing our readership stats, if detroitist readers living in the city vote for Stanley Christmas, he could totally finish ahead of Coleman Young Jr. Joel Loving, batshit Sharon McPhail, and Nick Hood. Let's not even go there. The last thing we need is Hendrix-Bing run-off. A disengaged citizenry is the most important aspect of any thriving kleptocracy. (DetNews)

Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel
Mean old Tom Friedman said mean things about Michigan and Jennifer Granholm doesn't like it one bit. She's not going to let these mean people talk bad about us anymore. Even if the mean people in question have been warning us about the consequences of the post-industrial global economy for the better part of a generation. It's not like we we're sitting around drinking lattes and reading the New York Times back when we could afford bass fishing boats. (Freep)

It's felon Kwame Kilpatrick court day
The convicted perjurer/former mayor will be in court today to explain why he told the court that he had to go to Texas for a job interview when all the people he was interviewing with work in...wait for it...Detroit. Also how he's able to fly around in private jets, rent expensive houses in fancy neighborhoods, and pay for his wife's interior design courses when he owes Detroit taxpayers $1,000,000. The judge probably won't ask about that last thing but he should. Just look at the Kilpatrick's Manoogian Mansion, Carlita has garish taste. A couple design classes won't change that. (DetNews)

Don Williamson is a Blagojevich-grade douchebag
Before he resigned because of a runny nose, Williamson took a $1 a year salary while serving as Flint's mayor. Now he wants all his back pay, something like $500,000. From a city he basically left bankrupt. But before you assholes starting judging Donny boy, understand that he just wants all that money so he could give it to charities. Maybe you losers should stop spending your salaries on homes and food and Xboxes. Give it to charity instead. God, you people are so selfish compared to Don Williamson. (MLive)

Maybe what lawmakers need is a union
For a party supposedly dedicated to the working man, the Michigan Democratic Party is busting balls like some plutocrat boss. These Democrats (so-called) expect state lawmakers to show up to work everyday or have their paychecks docked. This wouldn't happen if there was a union. There would be a grievance process and collective bargaining to protect these poor elected officials. Sometimes politicians get way too drunk to wake up the next day. They shouldn't be penalized by some greedy political party for that. (DetNews)

Michigan's poors don't care about art
All of us unemployed illiterates are too busy huddled in our homes, avoiding collection calls, and watching Billy Mays infomercials to go see "art" at the DIA. The venerable art museum had to lay-off 20% of their staff yesterday. Oh sure some of them pictures are real pretty but so is this dogs playing poker painting that we have in the family room. Isn't that just the cutest thing ever? Also, did you see our portrait of Elvis? It's a remarkable likeness. (Freep)

Jennifer Granholm: I like money and lattes
A bunch of Republican governors are all we don't want your horrible socialist stimulus money, we're high on capitalism! Sounds nice except that governors don't have the authority to unilaterally turn down federal funds. Granholm wants in on this little stunt. She was on the Fox News saying that Michigan will gladly take extra secret Muslim communist stimulus money if other people don't want it. That's exactly how the system works. There's a certain zen balance to political grandstanding. It's all very yin and yang. (Freep)

What is this "light rail" that you speak of?
In cosmopolitan elitist cities like Salt Lake City and Minneapolis, "light rail" is hot new thing. All the best people are very excited about it. Of course that's fine for them fancy places like Utah but metro Detroit moves at a slower, more pastoral pace. We, and by "we" we mean Oakland County bureaucrats, aren't sure this fancy "light rail" fits with our way of life. Why, you put in a light rail line and soon even good Christian girls will be riding on train cars with boys and exposing their ankles in public. Next thing you know we will be up to our ears in jazz music and dancing. (Oakland Press)

Fixing the foreclosure mess is really, really hard
Everyone in Lansing is trying really hard to fix this foreclosure problem but it's hard. The Republicans have some dumb ideas and the Democrats have some stupid ideas. Our suggestion is that you give the keys to the bank, hollow out the refrigerator, and float over to Canada, to freedom! In Canada everyone only buys homes they can afford and the banks don't fail. Also there's single-payer hockey so the government pays for your skate sharpening. 1800 feet to freedom. Viva Mariel North! (MLive)

Requiem for our crapulence
If you’ve listened to 93.9 anytime in the last few months you’ve probably heard Sam Roberts’ song Detroit ’67. It's all about what a cool place Detroit once was. The best kind of cancon is the kind that Americans will listen to. The song’s accompanying video reminds Detroiters about what a nice city we had until we pissed away for the shiny new utopia of Northland Mall. Enjoy your Southfield, your Commerce Township, and your Sterling Heights, cockpunchers. (Freep)

We are really tired of you people not acknowleging our FREAKING GENIUS!
Thursday night. detroitist reports that batshit Sharon McPhail was lying about her age on the Youtube. Friday morning. The Detroit News City Hall Insider blog reports the same thing yet the report makes no mention of this humble blog. Coincidence? Or is it something else? And how do you explain this: Stonehenge. A man shapes a wire antenna into an ancient Egyptian symbol. He points it at the stones and a surge of power rushes into his arm. City Hall Insider shrugs off McPhail's age lie as a "typo" which is why, as of 7:40 AM EST Monday morning, the profile still says McPhail is 48. And, according to Youtube, someone modified the account not three hours ago. Stephen Glass had some typos too. (DetNews)

The field has been narrowed to just three candidates. And now things get testy. Dave Bing brings out the big endorsements: Tony Earley and Wendell Anthony. Jealous of Bing’s fancy friends, Freman Hendrix says he hates Ken Cockrel’s Cobo plan. And then it’s on.

Cockrel is all you can just shut up right now because you were deputy mayor for eight years and didn’t do anything with Cobo, I got it done in five months. And I told the truth about the motherfucking budget. Hendrix responds that he did a lot of things as deputy mayor and, as tears well up in his eyes, accuses Bing of spending his nights, not at the loft, but in Franklin. Bing is like Christ, Helmut stop crying and grow a pair. To which Hendrix responds with at least Cazzie Russell won a ring.

Disgusted, Cockrel gets up and leaves the room. It’s a move both Bing and Hendrix find disrespectful. There’s nothing worse than being disrespectful on a reality show. If you are disrespectful everyone will complain about you during their talking head interviews. Also everyone is blaming each other for the sink full of unwashed dishes.

And that’s pretty much how the mayoral race went except maybe without the nudity and dirty dishes. The process, ham fisted as it may seem, it sort of worked. The irrelevant, the third-rate, and finally the uninspired candidates have fallen by the wayside. Bing, Cockrel, and Hendrix remain as the only viable candidates. It’s kind of where we were when this race began a few months back. Except that Ken Cockrel is the only one who emerges not looking like a huge douchebag.

For all his reform rhetoric, Dave Bing has surrounding himself with the dreck of Detroit politics. Convicted felon Charlie Beckham is running the campaign. Team Kilpatrick cronies Wendell Anthony and Tony Earley are cheering him on. Bing’s campaign is little more than the last lines of a Who song at this point. Freman Hendrix, so close in 2005, has betrayed peculiar desperation with his opposition to the Cobo deal. Siding with Monica Conyers is just dumb, the end.

No one will confuse good gray Ken Cockrel with a savior sent from on high, but that’s fine. For a half-century we’ve believed our mayors could be Nietzschean supermen capable of curing Detroit’s many ailments. This town has way too many problems for one mayor to fix them all. Sic transit gloria mundi.

Cockrel has a quiet competence, perspective, and a sense of self-awareness. Cockrel also has good taste in music. Unlike Kilpatrick, he will never sing Trapped in the Closet to anyone in the back of a limo, ever. That’s good enough for us. (Cockrel for Detroit)